Kicking Butt

I have just spent the last few hours with a couple of friends.

I also took a walk around the place and I would like to share with you what my mind told me and then what Jesus told me, the mistakes I made and the rights I did. To update people a little about my situation is that I am on my 19th day of no smoking and 10 months and 5 days of not drinking.

Did you know that an estimated 1.3 billion people are smokers worldwide

Did you also know that around 5.4 million deaths a year are caused by tobacco.

A lot of my old friends smoke and I was around a lot of that smoke and it acually started to bug me. The smell of it was feeding the crave but also giving me a headache.

Now this does not mean I am going to quit hanging around them because of the smoke.

As I walked I started to realize all the ciggerette butts on the ground and how ugly they made the beautiful earth God created!

I use to be apart of the this distruction on the earth. I could not believe how painful this acually was to me to see.

It never bothered me before why was it now?

To be truthful it almost had me in tears.

and did you know.......that ciggerette buts are the number one most littered debri in the world.......um....GROSS!!!!

Find an ashtray!!!!!!

Now as I was walking down the road a little farther this is what I saw..

Wow now that is very brave to do that out in pulic is what I thought but then I remember how I use to drink in public and not think anything of it. But as I read up on my studies this is what I found. Alcohol can cause all these

Heart Disease

Cancer

Liver Disorders

Gastrointestinal Problems

Pneumonia and Other Infections

Mental and Neurologic Disorders

Skin, Muscle, and Bone Disorders

Hormonal Effects

Smoking

Diabetes

Malnutrition and Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome

Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome

Drug Interactions

Um......I don't know about you but NO THANKS!

Not to mention 100,000 deaths a year can be related to drinking.

Now I am not judging anybody because God knows that I was once that person

and we all are sinner but a lot don't know Christ and are lost....those are the people we need to reach. I know God was telling me to go and talk to the two guys but I was scared and I know after they left I had not done my job as a christian.

As christians we are to reach out and sometimes I feel like nobody tries to reach out....yes we might have a dinner for the poor but yet again we are not reaching out....if we stay in one place how are we reaching? Are we just exstending our arms........I don't think that is what God was talking about. Instead lets drive our cars around and bring meals!

Now that I have Christ and I know the realness of this I am done with this bye bye!!

The final word

I am sitting in Panera and I have been looking back into the past and asking God what it is He wants me to do next.
My Jouney has been long, it seems like I am walking in circles trying to go foward.
The last couple of weeks have been crazy dealing with rejection, truth, love, hunger, nightmeres, miscommunication, feelings of other, fights, arguments, hurt feelings and aloneness.
This blog is going out to everybody,
The situation between me and a couple other are hard and were left untouched so it goes unsolved. To these two people I just want to say
I was blessed by your company and I love you so much and you are the ones that lead me to Christ and I could never forget that and so I could never forget you or what a change you put in my life. Feelings were hurt and things were spicy but this is my chance to apologize and say sorry. The love that I have for you are unexplained and I cannot explain it. If you chose to read this I hope you will read with your heart as I am writing with my heart.

Next would be the people that was involved in a disagreement earlier this month. We all jumbed on each other when all we did was look at it with our eyes and typed with our hands when we should have asked God to let us see it through His eyes and we should have asked God to let Him type for us. I am ashamed to say that I did not ask God for help. I do apologize to everyone that was involved in that disagreement.

Now comes the people that I am with right now.
I know I can be hard please forgive me.
I know the thing we talked about was an idea, I just don't feel like I would do good and yes I am praying about it.
If I have made it this far with God and myself I can make it a little farther.
Please do not take it personally I just can't handle things like that.

I would also like to ask for the fogivness of the LORD for I have sinned and I am ashamed of how my life is working. I pray and lift it all to You that You will lead me into Your work and do only what You want me to do!
I pray that everytime I fall down You never give up on me but always be there to pick me up and dust me off! LORD Your grace and mercy is so powerful and I praise You that you forgive and love me no matter where I am or what I do!!!!! AMEN

The problem

Have you ever felt that you were the main problem?
That you were the reason of peoples worry?
I bet we all have at one point or another!

The truth is that feeling this is very common.


The craziness of it kills.
I feel like I am the main problem and now I think it is time to go.
I don't want to make people leave early
I don't want to interupt plans
I don't want to be the problem.

But won't that be running away from things??
Yes that would be.
I am pretty sure but if you really think about it.......
What is worse.....running or causing loved ones pain?

Ok running yes would probably be painful but it would be all in one than having to make them hurt time and time again!

Ok maybe I sounding a little coweredly but come on what am I supposta do?

I read this verse today
Psalms 27:14
Wait for the LORD's help, Be strong and brave, and wait for the LORD's help.

AMEN to that!!!!!
I love the "be strong and brave" because that is exactly what I need to do.
I love my God and His words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~tonight will be~

The adventure

"The the love is strong here, the tears are so far but yet the blood is near."

So to explain this: the love to where I am at is very strong. The love in this home is so great and anybody with feelings would love it here! The tear are so far means that the sadness is so far away that being sad here is almost impossable! But the blood is near is ment by that the salvation is near!

Now I have unfinished bussness elsewhere and now it is time to get back to reality which is hard but I love being loved and being showed that I am loved and now that-that is going to be rip from me is going to be hard at first but God will be by my side always.

My being by myself is what God wants.....maybe to tell people that have the same problem that there is hope and love. Even though it dont seem like it God is always there.

I am going to be strong and I keep saying to myself

Psalms 18:1

I love you LORD, You are my stregth!

For how small that sentance is and for how short that verse is- it is a very powerful and awesome saying!

I REALLY LOVE MY GOD!

God has done so much for me this last week and I really love where He places me and the other places He has instore for me!

My time is up here and now back to reality.....that kinda sucks

Blog 3

Well I know I am behind on blogs but night three was a traumatic night so I am not going to blog about night three but we are going to step into night four and the troubles of that night but how the LORD is always with me!

With my head aching and my stomach turning I got to a friends house. My eyes lids so heavy anywhere would have been a bed in a matter of minutes. To my luck she brought me inside the house and laid me on a bed and told me to get some sleep. I glanced at my phone and it was 9:34am, I put my phone down and closed my eyes and drifted into a nice sleep.

I think to seriousness of the medication made the dreams fade to nothing because I didn’t have dreams. I was awoke by a friend waking me telling me that everybody in the world was calling me. I didn’t care and I brushed her away and she kept telling me a lady was texting and calling me. I finally grabbed the phone and called this lady back and she had read my blog and was going crazy about were I was at. I told her everything that was going on and I could tell she was feeling me with all her heart.

I explained everything too her well everything she needed to know. After I got off the phone with her I looked through my phone and noticed and another person called so I called her back and she was asking the same questions it was like dajavue. When I finally hung up with her I had looked through my texted messages and saw that a couple other people had texted me about the last blog and was wondering where I might be and if I was ok.

I finally got through the list of people that where wondering if I were ok and got them all relaxed. I got out of bed and it was about 4pm and the tiredness was still consuming my body. I just couldn’t get myself to wake up but I forced myself to stay awake. I jumped to my computer and started typing away and got lost into the blog I was writing. Two hours later my friend came to me and said they were leaving so I would need to leave. I got some of my things and took off. Now was a time to start looking for a place too sleep.

I was walking down the road with my stomach in pain and my head dizzy but stopping were I was at was not going to get me anywhere. The pain was almost to much to bear walking down the road that I had to stop and breath. grabbed my stomach and sat down on the ground to try pressure. That was helping a little bit but I really needed to get somewhere to stay.

I got up and grabbed my things and started walking. I showed up to another friends house and I really didn’t want to tell her what was going on but I did ask if I could stay the night at her house. She told me that she just could not take the risk of me getting caught in the house( I have a violent crime against me I am not allowed to be in the house). I begged her some more because it was a cold night out but she just could not do it. She did tell me that I could stay for a little bit to get out of the cold.

My heart was dropping some and my faith was shrinking, was it always going to be like this? Was I ever going to find a home or was I always going to be a hopeless case of abandonment? I know God is always with me but sometimes it seems like I am going to be alone and by myself. But theu I remember God will never leave nor forsake me(Deut. 31:6)
So I needed to bring my hopes back up so I opened my Bible and started to read some more and I remembered that mom liked the book of James so I turned to the book of James and started to read it. As I read it I could feel the Word just open up and really take me into it! I loved it and wanted to praise God some more so I out on some of my Christian music and just praised His name.

It came to the time that I needed to leave so I got my things are took off in search for a place to stay. I walked around with only a bag on my back(I had left the other things at my friends) but the pain came back and I think it was from the strain that was being put in me from holding the bag and stress. Fourty five minutes after walking I throw my bag and kicked it! How could I let myself get in this situation again??? Why was I so dumb and why did it seem to always happen when I absolutely had no other place??

I held my head in my hands and started to cry from the overwhelming of abandonment! Why didn’t anybody want to help me just by putting me up for a night? I felt stuck, trapped and so alone. I turned to pray to try and help but it seemed to make me cry even harder.

I just had to make it through the night and tomorrow would be different. I knew that tomorrow I would have a bed and I would have food and I would not be sitting out on the streets wondering what to do!

I sat there and tried to think about things being warm but it didn’t work because of the fact that it was very cold outside! I sat and shivered and tried to get some sleep but who can sleep when it is like 30 degrees F outside and all you have on is a tee shirt with a thin jacket and a pair of pants? I had layed my head on my bag and closed my eyes and started crying again. I thought to myself who lives like this? I never thought I would be back to this point again. Now I try and think of my own daughter and being in that situation and I WILL NEVER LET HER LIVE ON THE STREETS!!!!!!

I can bearly handle this how would she take it?? Well I couldn’t go to sleep so I opened up my laptop and turned it on. To my surprise it had a full battery and didn’t need plugged in. I was going to work on a blog but just didn’t feel up to it! So I listen to music and played a couple games of cards. I was keeping to myself when I heard a loud bang and saw that there were people coming my way. I grabbed my things and walked away(being homeless you learn that not a lot of people have feeling for people like them because they will make fun of you and take things like bags and idems that you may need they will beat you up and possably rape you) trying to be unnoticed. I got to another place that seemed to be a little more private.

It was freezing and the wind was only blowing a little but it was enough to put that chill down your spine!

I got back out my laptop and found that I got a connection. I was very excited because now I could go online and mess around and check emails. I got online and played a couple of games and when 4am hit around I saw that a lady was online that I was curious to talk to, so I instant messaged her. We talked and I told her a little that was going and I could tell by all her questions she had never been or talked with a homeless person! To tell you the truth I found it very intertaining for the little time we did talk.

I like when people show an interest to get to know how the homeless do their things. It shows to me that they are concerned and that maybe they want to know more about the homeless. God tell us that we should feed the foodless, Shelter the homeless and clothes the naked(Isaiah 58:7)! Why are we all scared to do this when Jesus did it and God has been doing it since the beginning of time! We are all so scared to let down our guard that we don’t see just how much these people need love and compassion more than anything at that time!

She shared some ideas she had for me to do but none of them really were an option at that time! I started to feel my eye lids shutting. I tried to keep them from going to sleep but the overwhelming urge to sleep was taking over my state of mind. I finally told her that I needed to go and try and sleep. We said our good bye and with that I shut off my computer. I put my head down and drifted into a what seemed to be an endless dream of torture.

I was faced with worst enemies in the dream the one dream I dread to dream….I am lock in a closet and can’t get out. I am so scared and stinging with panic I start clawing at the door. I can feel the pain of panic and fear and the pain of my fingernails come off as I am trying to tear my way out of the closet. I am desperately clawing at the door trying to get out but as I am trying to I hear the footsteps that I know are nothing more than more pain. They are walking right toward me and I cant run so I sit back in the corner and just wait in fear for him to open that door. I hold myself tight in the corner and then he opened the door but I can’t see his face.
All I can feel are the bugs that seem to never go away! I can feel them surround me…..I feel like a cat cornered in an alley with no way but through a mesh of dogs!
I start scratching at my arms literally tearing off my skin trying to get them off but they just keep jumping up on me. I am paralyzed with fear in the dream and can’t come to the since that it is just a dream and he is now dead. Suddenly wake out of the dreadful dream to only realize that I am safe and not in that closet. The fact that-that dream is so real scares my reality. I remember that closet way to well and the fact that-that closet is very much real and that dream was once my reality!

I wake to the coldness and silence of the night. The silence scares me because it screams the truth.

I looked around and noticed it was getting light out. I got up but the real pain of came back into my feet witch had fallen asleep and my stomach which was cramping and my head which was laying wrong! I looked at my phone and it was 8:34am so I took off to a friend house.
It took a little while to get into view of a friends house. I hope she would let me in because I was in so much pain and just needed to rest.
She did let me in…….
I am going to end with that…..last thought
Psalms 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Day2

Well last night well pretty active. I was at a friends house last night and it was about 7pm when she told me that she was going to bed and that I needed to leave. I begged her to let me stay for a little bit longer and told me I had to 10pm and then I would need to take off. I was happy with that. So about ten til 8pm the police showed up at the house so I took off out the window because I had no idea what was going on and didn’t want to stay. It was cold outside and all I had on was a spegette strap and a thin jacket because earlier someone spilled their beer on my clothes and that is that last thing I need to go around smelling like. I was were some clothes of my friends daughters. I walked around for a little bit when a lady text and asked if I would like something to eat. At first I was like no but then I noticed that I really was hungry so I told her yes and she told me that it would be about an hour. So now I had to find something to do for this hour wait. I found a spot and put my bag down and sat down. I sat there wondering what my next step was going to be into finding a home…..wow…..home…..I would love one of them. I am not going to give up on my faith or my God!!!! I have to keep remembering when I feel like alone and nobody is there to love me that God does and this is his promise! I have to have patience(to handle pain or difficult times calmly and with out complaining) and to keep stepping forward and know that God is always there right next to me.

Roman 6:6 We know that our old life died with Christ on the cross so that our sinful selves would have no power over us and we would not be slaves to sin.

I read this verse and loved it. It keeps reminding me that I AM NOT A SLAVE TO SIN ANYMORE!!!!
Sitting there reading my Bible the word spoke to me in so many different way and when I turned over to 1 Corinthians it talks about love and how love is everything and with out love I am nothing and have God in my life I do have love! That is what is keeping me going through rough times!

Love is……
Patient
Kind
Not jealous
Does not brag
Not proud
Not rude
Not selfish
And the list goes on and there is 3 things that will continue forever and they are
FAITH-HOPE-LOVE
Love is the greatest!

Reading through this was awesome and lit up my eyes about just how much I am loved.
I started to pray and ask God for forgivness and asking to recomment my life to Him and start by living His way fully and not just for what I can get.

When I was done praying I looked at my phone and saw it was about 9:30pm and noticed that this person never texted back and maybe it was aa good thing because then I would not have had that time to myself with God! I got up and grabbed my things and stared on walking! I was looking for a place to rest my head because I was getting a little tired. I started cutting through year and come upon a broken window to an empty motel room. I was nervus at first but then looked around and saw that there was nobody around and when up to the window to see how broken it was and if I could get into there without being noticed!

I got to the window and saw that I could lift it up and take it off so that with the fear running through me because at any moment I could get arrested and go to jail for braking into the room! I started lifting up the window and came a very loud noise to I took off running and hid behind a bush fear somebody would come to look but nobody came after 15 minutes to I went back up to the window and took it off completely. I tossed my things inside and jumped up and literally fell into the room! It hurt a little but nothing I couldn’t handle. I found that the room was a work in progress and there was no beds but there was a blanket in the corner so I grabbed it and through and took it to the corner that I would be sleeping at and that would be near the window just in case I needed to excape fast.

I looked around the room to see everything that was around and it was a bunch or paint and brushes along with debre that had fallen from the wall. I cuddled up to the corner and got my laptop out to see if I got a commetion but there was none so I watched a movie that I had took for my friends house! But I had to keep it down so I would not get caught. As I was watching the movie I kept feeling down like I would never have a home. I opened my Bible and turned to Hebrew and read

Hebrews 11:1-3 Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing something is real even if we do not see it.
Faith is the reason we remember great people who lived in the past.
It is by faith we understand that the whole world was made by God’s command so what we see was made by something that cannot be seen.

Wow….yes faith is strong and in me I need more of it to have the faith that God can help me because if He helped me at that bar yes God can help me find a home! I started to pray and asked God for stronger faith and knowing that He can do it all!!! As I was pray to Him I felt something rub across my back. I turned fast and grabbed my phone to see what it was and found that it was a mouse. Now bugs(spiders, beatles, exc) do not scare me but mice yes they make me a little jumpy. I tried to brush it away with a paint brush and then saw that it was staring right at me from where I brushed it so I stared at it back. Now looking at a mouse this might be sad but I am kinda like that mouse just looking for food, housing and warmth!!!

I had a little snack in my bag so I pulled out my bread with butter and put some on the floor and went back to my movie. After the movie was over I was still up so I watched it over again. I finally dozed off and had the same dream as the night before…..running down that dirt road. I woke up once again with a jolt and looked around to noticed that I was not on that dirt road but that I was still in that motel room. I went to stand and felt a sharp pain going up my leg. It was so cold in that room that while I was sleeping my legs became so cold I could not even feel my feet and the sharp pain I am guess that it was from maybe sleeping on them wrong. My face was freezing and my nose was so cold I thought it was going to come off with a little touch! I looked at my phone and noticed that I was only asleep for an hour and it was only 2:21am. I tried to go back to sleep but for some reason I just could not go back to sleep so I took my laptop and tried to turn it back on but it had died completely so I rummaged through my bag and found my charger and plugged it in and started typing a letter to my mother. Me and my mother do not have a very good relationship but we are working on it. I started to type about how much I loved her and that I wish we could just have a normal mother daughter relation and that maybe next time I come to Bryan we could do something together and just talk.

I spent an hour on it and saved it now I was wonder how I was going to print it out and send it. I shut my laptop and sat there.

When it 6am I got packed up and snuck back out the window. I was so tired walking and I felt like my bag was a hundred pounds walking down the road. When I finally came across a place to sit I took it! I must have sat there and started into space for about an hour when my phone went off but I was just to tired and decided not to answer it. I finally got up and walked over to a friends house and begged her to let my take a nap there. She must have know I was tired because she didn’t hesitate to let me in the house. I went to the room and slept for an hour and a half with no dreams. When I did wake up it was because I was getting pushed away to get and jump out the window because somebody was there and I was not supposta be there. So I got up and grabbed my bag and jumped back out another window! I can honestly be a perfessional window jumper! Haha!

About 10 minutes later she called me and told me I could come back. I was still a little tired but I didn’t want to back to sleep. I sat there wondering about how church went. I wanted to go but I was scared because of personal things and me and rejection don’t pass very good. As the day went on I was talking to a person and told me that I should come to group. I was to nurvus and didn’t know if I wanted to go because of some people that would be there too.

Then I decided that I would go and called around and found a ride……………..
I am going to end on that for today!
But I am going to leave you with this

Psalms 18:1-2
I love You LORD You are my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my protection, my Savior
My God is my rock. I can run to Him for safety. He is my shield and my saving strength my defender.

Introduction and 1st day

I am going to make this short for everybody so when you read about my first night you won’t be bored.
I am without housing right now because of issues I have been having so I am now back on the streets. But I am going to take this time to take you through a life of a homeless person…through their eyes and what they face on a daily basis. The challenge of getting food and the challenge of sleeping and the challenge of surviving this world, as to so many people don’t understand the homeless.
I will take this time now to explain the homeless.
People ask this question all the time…..why are they homeless??
Why don’t they get a job?
Well these can be answered…… a lot of homeless people have criminal background which is hard to find work because of it and some suffer from mental illness which it is hard to hold down a job.
Then I get asked well why don’t they just ask for help…….
Easily answered the way some places treat the homeless is not with the kindness God wants them too. So they don’t look back.
And
No matter how tough the homeless look the truth of it is that they are scared and they are weak maybe not physically but spiritually they are.
They start to lose hope after days with either no food or no real place to sleep or maybe even both!
Maybe taking you through this will open our eyes as Christians and take that stand. Instead of passing the people on the street and ignoring them maybe STOP and ask for their story. We are not perfect and some are just down on their luck!
And I am going to leave you with this thought
We are all the same! Nobody is higher than anybody no matter what their title! WE ARE ALL SINNERS!!!

***********************************************************************************
Day one of a night without a place for rest was not too bad. I was invited to a party last night and I was upset with personal issues I have going on and I was tempted to go and drink and have a fun time. I also thought well this is a place to crash for the night but I didn’t know if I could resist the temptation of drinking and I have done so good to turn back now. It came to a point in the night where I had to make a decition if I was going to have to find a place somewhere I am not supposta or go to the party. I decided I would go to the party. Little did I know that the party was at a bar in town( I am a saved recovering alcoholic). I was getting nervus as we were heading up there but they told me that they would not let me drink but come on…..stop me…yeah right!! A friends band was playing and we were jamming for a little bit when I was asked if I wanted a drink. Know that I used to come to this bar everyday for about 3 months and hustle men for drinks and sleep with them for a place to sleep at night and food to eat. I had several fashbacks of things that had happened at the bar and decided that sober was the only way so rejected it. After a while I started getting a little paranoid(when I get nervus I attened to look in all direction continously)and wanted to leave. Well the band was not done until 1:30am so I took a step outside to get a little brake. I pulled out a cigarette(yes I caved in and bought a pack)and lit it so try and calm my nerus. As I took that first drag I could feel the painc go away a little. Why is it the things God hates calm me??? One day all of that will change though. Well as I was standing there 4 older men came out of the bar and one came really close to me(which I stepped back and was getting on guard)and asked “what is a beautiful young lady like you doing at the bar by yourself?” I told him that I was with the band. He then walked off with his buddies and screamed back at me that he would be back and we will have drinks. In my head I was saying YEAH HOW ABOUT NOT!!
I stepped back inside and saw an ex girlfriend of mine from my unsaved life and was more worried(FYI I am not supposta be around her due to an assult charge that I have that I did not do….long story…lets just say love make people do dumb things). I turned toward my friend and she said just to stay near her so I didn’t get introuble. I was there before her….well in the front that is so I don’t think I could get introuble. I was not drinking but she was very drunk. Just keep her in mind with prayer that she comes to realize that drinking only gets you nowhere! I watch her for a little bit and she was yelling and screaming at everybody and I wanted to go over there and calm her down because I know how too but I also didn’t want to get hit while she was having one of her violent rages(she may be small but when she is drunk she can hit hard). She finally sat down and took a drink of what she was drinking….usually bud light draft. I turned to my friend and was about to ask her a question when some person had put a hand on my back which caused me jump and throw up my fist(a lot of homeless people are attacked so it is just natural)ready to defend. He stepped back and told me he ment no harm that he just saw me and thought I was pretty and that he just wanted to know my name and wanted to know if he could get me a drink. I told him my name but rejected the drink because what I have learned is that a lot of men that want to buy me drinks what to take me home. He left kinda mad because I didn’t really want to talk to him because he was drunk. After he left I took off to the bathrooms and found my ex in there talking to herself. I felt kinda bad so I said hi to her. She looked up and she gave a glance at me and was like “OMGOSH you look so different.” She was real huggy kissy and I felt a little weird but I gave her a hug and listened to her story. She will be losing her house and she just gave her dogs up(her dogs are like her kids…..she never had kids and probably will never) so like I said on here earlier keep her in your prayers. I asked her where she was going to go and she would not let me know. I just pray that she can get some help. Being unstable myself I can’t help to much other than to be there to talk too and pray. She hugged me for what seemed an hour before she let go and reminded me about that night I was picked up for an assult wow……that happened over a year ago and it was not even me but I heard all about it right there. We started to walk out of the bathroom and back into the bar area when a guy bumped right into me(he was a little confused about which bathroom was the girls and the boys). The then told me that I was pretty and asked if I wanted to help him go to the bathroom……and again…..YEAH HOW ABOUT NOT!!! My ex and I came out of the bar area and she asked if she could get me a drink….I told her no that I didn’t drink anymore(9 months) and she at first thought I was lying but the bartender told her that I had been drinking diet pepsi’s. I then told her that when I decided too accept Christ in my life I stopped living that way. She then hugged me again.
I don’t think I have ever been up to that bar and actually stayed sober but the more I watched around the more my heart broke. About a year ago I was acting just like the people in the bar crazy, out of control and broken. Wow to notice that I have changed that much makes me feel pretty good. With the band playing it got to loud in the front so I took myself to the back where there were a lot of people(If you know me at all you know I hate being around a lot of people). I found a set in the cornor when I could keep my eyes peeled out. Just my luck to guys come and sit right next to me on each side(talk about feel odd). One was a guy I ment about a year ago but he drank his memory of me away because I sat there for about 15 minutes trying to explain to him who I was. The other guys kept asking me for my name and then telling me that that was his nephews name and that his neice was just born today and that took place about 7 times. I finally got tired of it and moved but before I could totally move they wanted a hug so I hurried and hugged them and then tried to leave but of course they had to get another thing in….guess what was said…..”what is your name?”
I finally got into the other room and the band was playing their last song so that ment we could leave soon. YAY. About 2am the band decided that they was going to treat everybody to Denny’s, not that I was not hungry(I was starving) but I was so tired I just wanted to lay down. I ended up being the driver because everybody else was drunk. Now going to a restraunt with a bunch of drunk people was very intresting. Praise the LORD we were the only ones there!!!! Things got very loud! I got this meal that was very large and I didn’t even eat half of it. I took the rest to go! We finally was done there and I was driving everybody back to the house when one of the people in the band said that there was a party going on at the house…..great…..more loudness! I sat on the couch and watched everybody get even more drunk. I was scared to go to sleep because this guy started hitting on me so I decided to stay awake until everybody passed out. So about 5am everybody passed out and that was my time to get some sleep. I had a dream that I was running down a long dirt road and something was chasing me but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from but I knew it was bad. As I was running a van pulled up next to me and a big bang come from the van and I woke up with a very violent jolt. I looked at my phone and saw it was only 7:32am. Everybody was still passed out everywhere on the floor. I got my things around and took off out the door. Now I am sitting here at a house warming party hearing people talk about things that have happened in the past couple days. To listen talking I have really come to notice the change in me even if others don’t see the difference. These are the people I need to surround my life with because they can offer the love that God want people to share. I need to learn from all this. To love other like that, too have patience, too have peace with life and too just let God take care of me and not try too do everything for myself. I am so use to defending myself but it is now Gods turn to do that for me! Going to the bar and not having that drink was all God’s power He gave me to defend it off! Boy I love my GOD!!!!!!!!!

The Truth of it All.

The truth of it all is that depression hits about 10% of Americans or 19million people in a given year.
Depression is not a constant thing for a lot of people. Some people may have it only once in their lives and other may have it many times in their lives.
People who are clinically depressed can not "just snap out of it" and if they do not get help they may be like this for many months at one time.
Why am I telling this through a blog???
Because I am one of those Americans and I have been in a depression for about 2 1/2 months.
I am told God can help me "just snap out of it" but I sometimes want to know when He is going to help me get through this??
Today my daughter went home after staying the night with me(for those people who do not know the situation is that my daughter lives with my mother)and it hurt. It took everything in my power not to break down at the church after she left. But we got home and everyone was exhausted from the party they wanted to take naps. So I decided that maybe I will go downstairs and try to get one to but as soon as I hit my room I lost it.
I have drawing, paintings, letters and pictures of hers all around my room.
I just can't get her little face of the tears she was crying out of my head.
She kept saying that she didn't want to leave but I really have no say in the matter.
Sometimes I just wish she was old enough to understand.
I stood there and watched the car pull away and then my daughters little head poking up and waving bye to me.
I laid there just thinking about everything and I even screamed at God for the pain.......I told Him that burning in hell for all eternity would be less painful then this pain of causing my daughter such pain.
I just wanted to take my daughter and run or go out and get drunk to get rid of the pain for a little bit.
I wanted a drink and I could not believe how bad I was wanting one. I cried and cired and screamed some more at God saying "why do you kick me so hard when I am already down??!!!!!" I almost pick up the phone and called an old friend of mine.
I cried for quite some time before I saw a book I had got at Chopin Hall called
"GOD'S PROMISE FOR YOUR EVERY NEED" and I picked it up and looked at a page and saw this
"What to do when you don't understand God's ways" and this is what I read
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempt beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 CoRiNtHiAnS 10:13
As the tears started to drip on the page I looked down a couple more verses and read this
" 'Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' "
IsAiAh 41:10
I shut the book and thought about the verses for a little while. My tears had stopped and I was seeing a little more clear.
Maybe I should be thankful that I CAN see her and I can be part of her life.
But I lose sight of that a lot because I see all these other people with their family and I get so jealous because all I want is my daughter. I think why do all these people get to have a family and I am stuck with just me here in Findlay???
God when are you going to let me have someone to call as my family??
IT IS GOD'S TIMING NOT MINE.
Even though it hurts God's will always stand there right beside me.
Even though it feels like anything would be less painful God will never give me anything I could not bear
And even though I am away for my daughter she knows that I am always there.

Dear LORD Jesus give me the strength to keep walking in Your path, please help my daughter get understanding of why mommy is not living with her and heal her heart let her know that You are always there for her and I pray that she keeps asking questions about You for more understanding. In Jesus name

AMEN

Jesus

Sometimes I miss my passed life!

Don;t get me wrong I love where I am at I live in a nice home with nice people. I have clean clothes and a warm place to sleep. I have more than enough food to eat and Polar Pops like crazy!!! Where I live is very clean and people actually help clean. The van I ride in and sometimes drive is a very sweet ride compared to what I was riding in and driving!

When I go into town for some reason I feel at home......That is because that is what I was so use too!!

When I hit the bars I feel at home......That is because that is wear I feel welcomed!

But why....because that is how I lived for almost two years!

I felt like I was loved at bars because guys paid attention to me.

This is where I found comfort and I am afraid sometimes to leave it. I am afraid sometimes of what my old friends would say about the change in me.

But then this verse comes to mind.....(Palms 27:1)

"The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom should I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom should I be afraid?"

Yes I agree the LORD is AWESOME

Giving up drinking has been a challenge. I have always fallen back on drinking when things get rough. As you have probably figured I am a recovering alcoholic. But lately that is NOT what I have been falling back on anymore!

But when I read my Bible and I read:

"Then Pilate took Jesus and had him Flogged. The soldiers also twisted together a crown of thorns, put it on His head, and threw a purple rob around Him. And they repeatedly came up to Him and said "Hail, King of Jews!" and were slapping His face." (John 19:1-3)

"When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said "it is finished!" Then bowing His head, He gave up His Spirit." (John 19:30)

Wow Jesus really had a rough time and reading John 19:30 even brought a tear to my eye!!! Jesus gave Himself know what would happen! This is what love is!!! But I continue to read and the further I get the more I see here is what comes after He was beaten and nailed:

"When they came to Jesus, they did not break His legs since they saw that He was already dead. But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and at once blood and water came out." (John 19:33-34)

Wow even when they thought He was dead they still had to attack Him!

So now I look at things and think

If God had His own son go through all that to save me from my sins, I think I can sacrifice my little drinking problem!

So before you think you can't sacrifice something look and see what God gave for your sins....JESUS!!!!!!

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMEN AMEN

Well I am going to start by saying that GOD IS AWESOME!!!!!!!
But it is time for me to just speak my mind in this blog...........

Natianna died.......
as I told in an earlier blog
Natianna was at a party were she was beatin and then wrapped in a blanket and then they people set the blanket on fire with her in it.
She was in the hospital for probably a good month.
She suffered 3dr degree burns over 30% of her body.
She died as a result of her burns.
I can't even imagine the pain she indured when she was burning.
I don't know if Natianna ever really excepted Christ in her life but I know that she is not with God.
It hurts to know that I never was able to help her much!
I let her stay a few nights at my old place.
I gave her some food and let her shower a few time
But I could never help her out with money or help her out by letting her live at my place.
Natianna A. Cruz you will forever be remembered and never forgotten by me and nobody around me will forget your name!!!!

Now moving on to other things.
I am having a dissagreement with a friends and it is sucking the life right out of me not to look hurt.
The pain I have been going through is almost feeling as if drowning would be better then this!
AND I just want to get one thing straight with this person.........
I DO NOT CUT MY WRIST OR GET DRUNK TO HELP MY DEPRESSION AND I NEVER ONCE SAID THAT MY DEPRESSION WAS IN ANYWAY WORSE OR LESS THAN YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go ahead and be mad that I just said that I just want to tell you because I feel like it was nessaccary.
I know your only human and I have tried to be a friend
but you ignore me and you give me funny looks and I don't want to deal with that.........if I did I would just go to my mothers house!
Honestly if we would just sit down and talk I think things might help but I really don't ever see that happening soon for two reasons
-I am hated and she never calls to talk thing out
-I might be going to jail soon.
I can only pray about that last one.
I lift it only up to God to help me through this time of need!

Now on to other matters.......
Some of you know I have mental disorders that I deal with daily
but I did have them undercontrol but lost the ability to keep my
depression hiden any longer.
I do believe that God can heal my pain.
But what I get from people is this.......
Some what me to get on my meds and some tell me God can heal me from the
depression so I don't really need it because God can heal it on His time.
What do you think???

Now I am talking to my friend, the only friend I have that I can talk to anymore.
I am really greatful for Beth because she is the only person I can talk to that will have an open mind a bout things I tell her..........
Others my listen but they will only listen with their ears and not their mind!
With this I am out peace
-Aidey-

A Long Break

Llamas are awesome!
I don't know what to write about.

Molding

Sometimes I wonder if I am me anymore.

Let me start out by saying that someone in my life as molded me into a a nice female looking person.

This is how I look now. Nice an like a female. I just got my hair straightened so it is not curly. This is with the help of an awesome friend Kendra.

This is me before I met Kendra.......Wow can you see the difference?

Most of the clothes I own now are Kendra but she has been a great friend to let me keep the clothes.

I LOVE LOOKING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Changes

My life has changed a lot since last year.
I went from living outside and run down apartments and houses.
Places that were filled with animals and
along with the aminals came the waste, that
nobody bothered to clean up.
I use to gag and try and clean
the houses and apartment.
One house inperticular there were a couple
cats that lived there and you could literally see flees jumping.
Another place I stayed at was so dirty that everyday I was killing cockroaches and other bugs. Knats flew around everywhere. There dirty dishes that have not been washed for months and was growing mold. The showers were so dirty I don't think if you tried to take a shower that you would get clean. Their soaps were covered by bugs.
Another place I stayed there was always parties and everyday you would see beer cans, drugs and pornography just sitting around the place.
I did not car for it but I was use to it. I just thought this was how a lot of people lived.
Now that I am saved and living with these people
everywhere I go is like a palace too me.
The place I live at is big and clean and always has food
I don't have to miss a meal to let the kids too eat because there is enough food.
No more watching out all night to make sure nobody is going to do stupid things to me.
Nomore bugs..........
Sometimes I wonder if I belong here.
I live in a really nice area and it is so different.
I don't really talk to any of my old friends.
I don't want them to think that I now am too good for them
beccause that is so not true.
Do I need to go and talk to them more???
Should I just live my new life and try to forget them???

CRAZYNESS!!!!!!!!!!

The Love of God Comes in Many Ways

The last few days have been a strain on my stress level and my sanity.
I try to love life but why does it seem like my saved life has more problems then when I was not saved??
That's easy it is because I am living in reality!
Which I don't believe my sister is living in the reality she should.
I am dealing with her giving my niece and nephews to there father
and now I will be even lucky to even say Hi. To them.
I talked to her last night and she was acting a lot different.
She has become somebody else inside.
She use to be all for Jesus and living her life
but she has lost her walk with faith
and she is confused about everything.
I told her last night one thing that I never thought would come out of my mouth..
I told her I would her rather be with Josh(the children's father)right now.
Shocker.......Totally.
(Kendra is not listening to me)
She also told me that she doesn't know what to do
She is in a bind right now having
money problems.
She said she just could not seem to get on her feet there in Texas.
She said that she would like to come back to Ohio because she misses her
friends
work
and
everything.
(Kendra does not feel better)
There is something about this guy she is seeing that I don't like and
I don't trust and I am starting to put my finger on it.
but anyways
all I can do is PRAY.....she is not doing good with
choice making.

Not time for the update with Natianna......
She is in the hospital in critical condition
She was beaten and wrapped in a blanket and set on fire.
I feel a little responsible because after she moved
I did not really stay in contact for her to talk too.
I ignored some of her phone calls because I knew what they were about
and I did not really answer her e-mails.
And now all I can think is that I could have been there
more for her! I tried to call up to the hospital but she can't have
visitors or phone calls. She is on a 24 hour watch
and guards are by her door. She has suffered 3 degree burns
over 30 percent of her body.
All I can do is PRAY for her too.

Now time for an amazing GOD...........
I have not gotten a lot of sleep lately and
with everything going on it is getting harder for me to sleep.
I was up till about midnight doing my studies
when a tiredness feeling came over me
I thought it was kinda weird because
midnight is very early for me to go to bed.
I closed my eyes and started to pray.......
letting God take it into his hands
I grow more tired the longer I prayed.
Then as clear as day I hear
"Lay your head my child!"
I first looked around to see if anybody was around,nobody.
I did not question it, I took my things downstairs, put the away and got my pillow and blanket out and was going to watch a little TV.
I started the movie and before
my head even hit the pillow I was asleep in a deep sleep.
Now in my dreams I was told that
"Sleep is being handed to you. Now praise your GOD!"
Does this mean I am going to get more sleep????
I don't know but I will defiantly PRAISE MY GOD!!!!!
One night of sleep was great!
I have not slept that hard and soundly in a while!
Praise God for just being AWESOME!!!!!!

Is It Me or Do We All Notice????

Depression............

Why do we become so depressed????

I keep asking God why am I so depressed all the time???

I am one of your children why do you make me like this????

But on the other hand He made me but satan is making me depressed.

It does not really have to do with the LORD.

My live is not that bad but the begining of July I became depressed due to living arrangments.

I felt as if I was trapped

Like every little thing I did was wrong

Everytime I turned my head I was getting yelled at about something I did.

I kept trying to hold on but it was so hard.

I was not use to things like:

*Rules

*No swearing

*Acting right

*Taking orders

It was hard and all I felt like was that

I could not do anything right

That I was a lost cause

and that nobody really even wanted me around

So what did I think of???

Suicide was always on my mind.

I hated feling this depressed and I always thought to myself would anybody really miss me if I really went through with it???

Would anybody even really care?

This depression as not only hurting me but

was getting me into trouble!

I didnt know how to deal....

but on the other side they did not know

how to deal with a person as badly depessed as I am!

So we both are helping each other to understand more

of how things work!

I was on shacky ground or a while

but I have climbed up this hill that seemed to be mud.
I have not got to the top yet but I am getting there.

Since then I have matured.

I have noticed in myself that I have......

I think that is what God wanted me to get out of this place

To grow more mature as an adult and christan!

Now let me say that I am still very immature but

but a lot better that when I first came here.

I am getting better at this rule thing and I am trying to stay away from

the old friends right now due to

the lack of intellegence when I am with them.

So now Kendra and I are the best of friends now

before we could not get along but I think it might have been

because of my stubborness!

She is one of a kind and the only friend I really have!

I want to say thank you for all your

*Constant bickering for me to not do thing that are stupid

*For your caring

*For all the times you have told me to act like an adult

*For your stubborness

*And for sharing God with me!

Believe it or not you are the only person that has always been there

No matter how many ups and downs

you never ignored me

You always acknowleadge that I was at least in the room!

And for that

I thank you and

"I CAN'T ASK FOR A BETTER FRIEND!"

That is what is on my mind!

Peace out for the night!

-Aidey-

My Story

Ok so I heard that on Sunday Kevin told people to write out their story. Well I am going to write a little more of my story starting back a little ways to when I was twelve and the first time I met him....Big Alfe! I will try not to make it to long.

I met Big Alfie at a place we called Smoker Corner
and all my friends and I would meet up there after school and smoke ciggs or weed. Did not matter but when the cops drove by we were gone in about 1/2 second. This is the very place where I got into a fight(not my first one but one I will never forget) and the cops came and I was going to get arrested but some guy came and told them that I did not start it and I did not hit this chick. Well The cops uncuffed and told me that they did not want to see my face around there again. I ran away but this guy caught up with me and told me his name was Big Alfie. Well we ended up dating and about two weeks of dating he started abusing me physically, mentally and sexually. During that time that we dated I got into drugs. Some drugs where hardcore drugs.










Around that same time I went into a deep depression and I just did not know how to deal with this depression so I started cutting to deal with the pain that was inside myself. Seeing the blood help calm me down but the pain did too. It made me feel like I was normal because I could actually feel like I was alive. That blood were my tears....since I could not ever cry. And there were may suicide attemps to go with the depression I had.






My life with drugs, alcohol and sex evenually got me pregnat at only fourteen years old. I had my daughter May 28, 2002. With this new suprise I cut back on drinking and drugs and Big Alfie had moved to Florida(where he was born and raised). When I was seventeen I had a very good friend kill herself because of the death of her daughter from an illness. I also got a job working at a nursing home full time. At this time I was not living at home and I had taken a oath to not do drugs again(and I have not). My daughter and I had a small apartment in Bryan and she started preschool. Things got very hectic and I dropped out to spend some time with my daughter but later found out that I was pregnant(by now I was working in a factory). I had to give my job up due to the pregnancy.......June 24,2005.



Well when I turned 20 I was very unstable. I could not find work because I had been through so many jobs and I was not mentally in the right mind. I figured that maybe I could change if I moved. So I moved to Findlay.....WOW



We I stayed on the streets for about 3 weeks til the big flood hit and then a friend took me in and I lived with her til I met a lady who I dated.



This lady was an alcoholic and a mean drunk. She hit me and throw things at me and said some mean things. She was a skinny person so I never really hit her back. But one day she throw my daughter and that was the last time I lived with her. Later I started dating another lady and she had three kids and I thought this was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.




Then one day we were at the bar when she decided to invite my ex(the alcoholic) up to the bar. We announced our engagement and then all the sudden she showed up. We talked and then got into a fight we that night my girlfriend at the time beat her up and she reported it and we had a problems on your hands. I ended up taking the blame for it so she would not get into any trouble to lose her kids. At that time I was so madly inlove with her. We did not stay together long after that. She ended up kicking me out the same time a friend was mad a me and told me I could not stay there. I started living on the streets again. It was horrable it was winter and I didnt know what to do. I had never been homeless in the winter but I found my way through it by the kindness of the bars.



I started drinking and finding out that guys like it when you pay attention to them. I started a three month drinking bindge. I would go to the bar and hustle guys to get me drinks so I could become drunk enough to sleep with them so Icould have a nice warm bed to sleep in for the night. I thought it was a small price to pay for a bed. I was nice to have attention for once in my life and it was nice not to be eating out of dumpsters and not sleeping on a bench or under a bridge.





Then one day after sleeping in a truck stop and not showering for three day I was walking down the road back to the bar when I came upon a sign







For some reason I could not ignore this sign so I started looing for this church. I finally found it and was hesitent to actually go in but I finally did thanks to Josh McRoberts. I got some coffee and dicided that I was not going to get coffee and run so I went into the part where they were having church.



The first song to come on was "Does anybody hear her" and I started to cry. The tears ACTUAL TEAR CAME POURING OUT OF MY EYES!

I turned my head so nobody could see me crying I had an image to keep(lol). I listened to Kevin preach and it all was to much to handle but it was an amazing teaching. That day I actually did not go to the bar. I started up go back to the bar and on January 25,2009 I talked with Pastor Kevin and told him everything that was going on in my life and that I needed help.....very bad! He asked me one question.......Do you want to except Christ in your life?.......Wow I really was not expecting that but in my head I did! So I said yes and we prayed. They kept me in a hotel for about a week an a half then got me an apartment.

My mental health was not in good condition at all this time and I would give into drinkning and cutting. But I read my Bible and studied.



One day I got mad at a person and decided I was going to take some pills right infront of her to try and piss her off. Well she took me home and I ended up going to the hospital when I swore at this lady and called her a bunch of name and was just down right mean to her. Well I ended up in a mental hospital and everyday this woman came to see me. She did not take what I said to her in the emergency room to heart because everyday she was there!



They we decided it might be good for me to try Teen Challenge. That did not work out but it was a great learning experience.



After I left Teen Challenge I when back to Bryan to live and that got me back into a very deep depression! I did not want to go back and I could not believe that these people would even think about taking me!!!




When I first came back to Bryan I did not want to talk to any of theses people so I didn't! Then when I finally did I said some hurtful things because I was so mad! But I got over it and we started talking again.




About a month and a half later I cam back to Findlay. I stayed with a friend and after coming back I was hurt by some people and I was so mad I decided that I was not going to do this "God thing" and started living my old life again. One person was never happy talking to me and the other tried to be but I know she was not. I had even missed two sundays of church and that felt kinda weird concidering I had been to church every sunday for the last few months.



That lasted for about two weeks then I slowly started getting back on track. So things were going ok but they place I was living was a danger because the woman that lived there was crazy.


After a while I was offered a much better place to live. I accepted!!!!





The thing is I did not realize how hard it was going to be to live there. See I have not had rules since I was like twelve. Now I have them.





I started going into a depression and a pretty bad one. I kept to myself for about two days. I was not really seen and I was not eating I was just downstairs crying. I didn't think I could do it any longer.



Things started to look up as time passed. I am getting better at this "rule thing" and not blurting out dumb things. These people are awesome for sharing their amazing home with me.

These people are awesome and

THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS ENOUGH.......

This is all for my story I am going to end with a God Bless............Aidey

Stranger things will happen!

Today was going to be nice as the family left and I was left here so I can finish up my studies for the day......but something tells me that what it is in this house does not want me to finish.

The family walk out the door and I started getting my things out to do my studies........I read maybe a sentence out of the book I am reading then I heard a knock at the door so I went over an answered it. To my surprise there was nobody there. I assumed that it took me too long to answer and they took off. But as soon as I sat down the bell rang again so I got back up and went to the door and opened and again there was nobody there. This time I thought kids were now just messing around. The bell rang again......ok by now I am getting a little annoyed.......I got up as fast as I could and went to the door and once again there was nobody there. So Now I am wanting to catch who this person is. I took my things and sat on a chair in the other room next to the window......now I can see who is coming to the door. I sat there and the bell never rang after that.

Now as I am working on my third book I hear a knock at the door leading into the house from the garage. Now my heart was pounding..........the garage door was shut and unless this person was in the garage or knew the code there was no way this person could be in there. Now thinking there a killer in the house I grabbed a knife and my cell phone and headed toward the garage. I opened the door and the garage door was still shut so this person was in here when I shut it...right after the family left. I looked around to find nobody so I started to scream "show yourself!" only thinking to myself "who in the world is going to show themselves when they are trying to be all secret." I looked around the garage and moved things around and found nobody. Ok so now I just thought I am hearing things. I went back inside and sat down back to my studies when again the knock came back. I opened the door now very mad......not caring really what was going to happen.........I just wanted to know what all was going on!!! Once again nobody was there! I went back in the house and fell to my knees and prayed to God and asked Him for an answer to this!

As I was kneeing there pray all the sudden I start I am guessing sweating. Now I am scared because I am not even hot.....I am actually pretty cold from the air being on .......I start pray harder and the more I pray the more the sweat come out. The LORD finally said
"Go wash and clean yourself."
I got up and noticed that all my clothes are wet everything I am wearing is wet. My socks, my shirts, my pants and even my hair!
I got up and went to the shower and washed.
I got out and I felt fresh and cleansed!

Wow what is going on? He never said but I believe that He is here and wont let anything touch me if I believe!

I am letting God take this and just help me.
Praise God for His awesomeness!