Losing the Walk.

I have been walking down a long road of never ending pain. The pain is like walking over hot coals that never end! My life feels cut...like when you jump into a pond that is below freezing point, how the water feels like you have a thouand knives that are cutting into you!

I take step by step and try too walk in a straight path that people want me too but I keep curving. The curve is almost in a circle and change is all I need.

This depressing lifestyle I have is gettin old and even though I have changed since being saved(Jan 25, 2009) I feel like I am still the same!

My family is having a rough time right now and things around here are so messed up that I have not hold on them anymore. I can't fix the merrage between my parents and I cant fix my daughter's outlook on a mother and daughter relationship. I can't help fix my brothers drinking problem. I can't even help myself and my cutting and feeling of depressing. I pray and God to help but I feel like I get no where which makes me pray even harder but it is not getting me anywhere...which makes me ask why is God ignoring me? Did I do something that horrably bad that He don't want to help anymore?? This is too hard on any one person.

With the people that have help and called me their family I still question. I know I am not their blood family but it felt so real like it was. My head is circling and I don't know what to do. My love for them is soo much bigger than I feel for my own. Maybe it is time to cut it off and just lose both. Would that make things better? Why keep things half way when it is harder on a person??? Would you really ever consider a half family member(even if they are a half brother or sis, ext)??? Does that even really make sence??? Let me tell you that I feel half on both sides....My blood family treats me like I am nothing and they just help me so they can brag about how messed up I am....my real family well they treat me awesome but it was hard that one day when they told me that they both(mommy and mamma) were busy and asked me what am I going to do now that I didn't follow through on TC???? Where am I going to go??? I wanted to stay in Findlay but they didn't really want me to so the next day they took me back too the one place I hated the most! I know they didnt want me to stay with them but why didnt they want me to stay with others if they really wanted me to stay as they say????? If your family why would you want me too be so misrable???? I cry everyday and I am always asking myself....if I just ended it i wouldn't be this depressed why not just do it already?........I am so sick of cry and always missing them and thinking to myself are they ever going to come back for me???

I am losing this walk with God.