I saw her take her last breath and realized that she was gone. I stood there feeling as if my whole world had just stopped. She was not only my mother but my best friend. The cancer took her so fast that nobody was prepared for this. I went up and kissed her on her head and said "Good bye." I turned around and ran out of the room as the tears started to flow down my cheeks. I ran out of the front doors to the hospital and out into the parking lot. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe.
I tried to scream so hard but nothing would come out except the uncontrollable sobbing.
I fell to my knees from the lack of energy and the only thing I could think was "Why God?"
Three days later was her funeral and a lot of people came to show their respect. To tell you the truth I was so sick of people telling me "She is in a better place now."
How do they know she is even in a place other then in a coffin! If God was real why would He allow such torture? I loved my mother!
I looked around and saw everybody hugging and crying and I just didn't want to be around them so I walked out of the funeral home.
I walked over to the grass and laid down. I closed my eyes trying hard to wake up out of this nightmare because I didn't want to believe that this was all true.
Moments later I felt like someone was starring at me so I opened my eyes and I was surprised to see a man standing by me. He had long hair and a beard. He was dressed in what looked like an old bathroom rob and wore sandals.
He sat down beside me and smiles. I sat up and asked "What do you want?"
He looked at me and it seemed a little weird because it felt like He was looking inside me.
He simply said "God loves you."
I didn't want to hear this and before I could control it I started screaming for Him to go away and to leave me alone.
He leaned over and gave me a hug and for some old reason I didn't mind and I didn't want Him to ever let go. I started crying and He cried with me.
Next thing I know someone was calling my name and I turned to see that it was my dad. I looked back over and the man was gone. "How was that possible? We were just hugging!" I asked myself.
I got up and ran over to my dad and started telling him about the man but I could tell he didn't believe me.
We buried mother that day. We turned around to leave and I just had to look back one more time to believe that this was all real.
I then saw that man reach out his hand and walk away with mother.
Mother did love God.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Thursday, November 21, 2013
What am I thankful for????
What am I truly thankful for well there is so much! I am thankful for a grandma who loved me no matter how bad I was and never quit believing in me! She was there for me no matter how mad she was at me.
I am thankful for my daughter who loves me even though I am not a very good mom. I am so glad I can make her laugh because her laugh is priceless. I give thanks that she does not care that I am a very different person!
I am thankful for friends some are Beth who is there to let me just be me and still loves me enough to rub my feet soon :) and Renee who has been with me through a lot in the short time I have known her. Who sat with me at the hospital when I was in the coma and to answer my annoying phone calls every single day. Jenny who loves me just well I dont know why we dont have much in common(you should hear some of the music she tortures my ears with) but we can chat it up about hugs and yogurt. We have known each other for 14 years..OMGOSH I am getting old!(Jenny is already there:))!!! Marta who is just an amazing person in general and her cakes are AWESOME! Interesting fact about our friendship Marta annoyed me when we first met and now that I love her so much I bet its the other way around! lol! I am thankful for beinging reunited with Turkey! I have not talked to her in years. It was great catching up. And Josh(from SC) who always gave me foot rubs! I miss ya! Jane I didnt forget about you and I am thankful for our interesting times together! I am also thankful for my friend Deb she has just always been awesome to me!
I am thankful for family Gina who took me into her home when I needed it and just love me. Jenessa who is so awesome to be around! Sonya who loves me even though I always have to comment on her big forehead.
I am thankful for new friends such as Sara who doesnt know me very well and that maybe a good thing but still talks to me...maybe there is hope :) and Jodi who well does the same thing.
I am also thankful for not losing my whole memory.
I am thankful for being able to rejoice for my grandma and I am very thankful to have known her! I am thankful to have known Melissa!
So in conclusion......Thanks everybody for just being a friend.
I am thankful for my daughter who loves me even though I am not a very good mom. I am so glad I can make her laugh because her laugh is priceless. I give thanks that she does not care that I am a very different person!
I am thankful for friends some are Beth who is there to let me just be me and still loves me enough to rub my feet soon :) and Renee who has been with me through a lot in the short time I have known her. Who sat with me at the hospital when I was in the coma and to answer my annoying phone calls every single day. Jenny who loves me just well I dont know why we dont have much in common(you should hear some of the music she tortures my ears with) but we can chat it up about hugs and yogurt. We have known each other for 14 years..OMGOSH I am getting old!(Jenny is already there:))!!! Marta who is just an amazing person in general and her cakes are AWESOME! Interesting fact about our friendship Marta annoyed me when we first met and now that I love her so much I bet its the other way around! lol! I am thankful for beinging reunited with Turkey! I have not talked to her in years. It was great catching up. And Josh(from SC) who always gave me foot rubs! I miss ya! Jane I didnt forget about you and I am thankful for our interesting times together! I am also thankful for my friend Deb she has just always been awesome to me!
I am thankful for family Gina who took me into her home when I needed it and just love me. Jenessa who is so awesome to be around! Sonya who loves me even though I always have to comment on her big forehead.
I am thankful for new friends such as Sara who doesnt know me very well and that maybe a good thing but still talks to me...maybe there is hope :) and Jodi who well does the same thing.
I am also thankful for not losing my whole memory.
I am thankful for being able to rejoice for my grandma and I am very thankful to have known her! I am thankful to have known Melissa!
So in conclusion......Thanks everybody for just being a friend.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Dream of Jesus
Dreams are like lives that we live as we sleep and also can be a message from God. For the last few months my dreams are nothing but nightmears. When I sleep its like I am in a horror movie and no not like friday the 13 with freddy these dreams are so much more different. I have become scared of them and I have even called friends to see if they were ok after I had a bad dream about them. About a month ago I started praying to God to take them away and about a week and a half of being more specific about what I want healing on. The other night I had an amazing dream yet it started out scary it ended in peace.
The first thing I remember of the dream is being in a corn field when I heard a friend of mine screaming my name. I start running through this field trying to find my friend and by her screams I know she is introuble. When I finally found her she was trapped in the arms of such a familiar looking charater. This lady(I think she is a lady)with stringy white hair and her mouth is always the color of blood and her teeth are like a dingy grey and pointy. Her eyes are a pale blue and her skin is like a white but grey color. She wears like a long robe looking thing. She is in so many of my dreams and when she stares at me it makes me freeze in fright. But anyways back to the dream. She had a hold of my friend and in this dream I needed to save my friend so I started running towards her scareming to let go of my friend but with every step I took closer to her she would take two steps back. The faster I ran the slower I became. I felt myself stop and I stared and she raised a sharp object and plunged it into my friend. I started running again to get to her and help her but I couldnt run fast enough. The screams my friend let out pirced through my heart like a knife. I wanted to save my friend so bad I couldnt and I just kept running and screaming. I finally started to get closer but I could see my friend was hurt very bad. Blood everywhere but she was still calling out for me and I kept running and I was almost in arms reach and the evil lady took the sharp object and drug it across my friends neck. I then stopped and stared as she throw my friends bleeding body to the ground with this nasty smile on her face. I shook off the stiffness and ran to my friend but she was gone and I remember asking God right there "Whats Happening?" The fear started to well up inside and I looked around to see if I could see her anywhere. I told my lifeless friend that not to worry I would be back for her. I got up and walked. My emotions where overwhelming and running was just not possible. I was looking hard for the road so I could just go and get help and all this way I am walking I am asking God to show me the way. I went in a circle because I came back to where my friend was. I realized then I am not going to get out of this corn field. Out of the cornor of my eye I saw something move so I turned my head to see if I could see and then like a bird this lady came right out of the sky and landed right next to me. I didnt know that fear was so strong and even though I was terrified I started screaming again asking what she wanted and who she was and then finally I lundge at her to hit her because I was so mad. But I couldnt even get close to her to hit her. She told me that she was the holder of my dreams then she started screaming something in a different lauguage. Then all the sudden her eyes went from pale blue to just black....the whole eye. Somehow I was understanding what she was saying now....I am Lucifer.....is what she was saying. I was petrafide and took off running asking God to get me out of this nightmear. I promised God I would be a better Christian please just get me out of here. Once again she came out of the sky and landed right in front of me and the expression "scared stiff" was so true at this time. She then raised her arm and I guess knocked me out because there was a short period where there was nothing. I woke up in this meddow. I have dreamed about this place before and it is so beautiful. The greenest tall grass and pretty purple flowers all over and hills. The sun shine and the tempurture is just right. I got up knowing I was still dreaming. Then I heard a voice asking me if it was beautiful. I answered "YES"
Then the voice said "Wouldnt it be awesome if you could spend eternaity here"
"It would be and to bring my daughter here and show her would be awesome! She would love it!" I said
" Then all you have to do it make her and sleep forever and all this will be yours!" the voice said.
"What do you mean?" I said very concerned
"DEATH!" The voice shouted
My heart sank to the ground and said "No Never! God is the only one who is allowed to take me! GO away please just leave me alone!!!!" Next thing I started being lifted off the ground. I then asked God to protect me and if I would going to die in this dream make it quick. I was lifted so high I could see for miles and the beauty was amazing!
The voice asked "Dont you want all this for yourself?"
I looked all around and for a slight minute I did but I shouted "NO!" I also shouted "In Jesus' name you will put me back on the ground!"
Then it go really dark and cloudes started to come in. It started raining and then lighting and next thundering. I was scared that I was going to get hit by lightning until I started falling. I was falling in slow motion but I knew that I might die from this fall. On my down I ask God to take care of my little girl. I didnt know what all was going to happen. I looked under me and saw the ground coming and said one last thing to God before I hit the ground......God help me! When I hit it felt as if I broke every bone in my body. The pain was so intense that I wanted to cry but I just couldnt. Then the pain started going away slowly and thats when I realized that where I couldnt feel pain I couldnt move that part. I laid there as the rain fell on me. I turned my head trying not to drownd from the heavy rain. The only light I had was when the lightning would flash. I laid there thinking about my life and what I have done in it that would be pleasing to God. For some reason I really thought I was going to lay here and I was going to die. Even though its a dream it was an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be my last dream. As I looked to my side I saw a piece of land and sky that had light....day light. No rain just like before the rain started. There was a light like a dot in that piece of land and it was moving closer. When it got close to me I noticed what that little light dot was. I starred in amazment. I asked myself "Could it really be Him?"
He answered "It is I Jesus."
I couldnt believe what I was seeing. I felt the fear run from my body as he stood there and smiled at me. I felt so safe like I was rescued and a sigh of relieve came out. He then told me to stand up and at my shock I could move. I got up with absoulutly no pain.
He said "Christianna I am here to save you. To tell you that your faith is great and my Father is pleased with you. You have an amazing gift and my Father has told me that He would like you to use it more."
"What gift?" I said
"Your words you express on paper." He said to me.
"Forget about the writing why am I tortured with these dreams? Jesus I just want peace while I sleep." I expressed fighting back the tears.
"Im just so frusturated with the nightmears please can they stop!" I said trying to fight back screaming and cry and just wanting to lose it.
"Its ok to cry." He said to me
"I cant. Im in the presants of Jesus I dont want to be all a mess!" I said
"I have seen you at your worse and let me tell you this....The Father has heard your prayers and He will answer them in His timing. The dreams will end but not right now. They will get easier but just hold on to that prayer. I also have a message for you. Just keep searching and you will find your way!" He said
I started crying as soon as He said that because for those who dont know thats what my grandma use to say that to me. He came up to me and just held me while I cried.
Soon I felt that he was no long her physically holding on to me anymore so I looked up and noticed I was on the doorstep to my grandmas old house. I got up and rang the door bell and I wanted to fall to my knees when I saw it was my grandma who opened the door. She opened to the door and for the first time since her death I was able to give her a hug. A prayer I prayed was just wanting to give my grandma one last hug. She said to me "I love you but its time to wake up!" I said "NO!" God knew I didnt want to wake up but next thing I know I was up and it was peace. Thats my dream. Now that I know God really notices me I know things will be different. I praise God that the last couple of days my dreams have been pretty peaceful!
The first thing I remember of the dream is being in a corn field when I heard a friend of mine screaming my name. I start running through this field trying to find my friend and by her screams I know she is introuble. When I finally found her she was trapped in the arms of such a familiar looking charater. This lady(I think she is a lady)with stringy white hair and her mouth is always the color of blood and her teeth are like a dingy grey and pointy. Her eyes are a pale blue and her skin is like a white but grey color. She wears like a long robe looking thing. She is in so many of my dreams and when she stares at me it makes me freeze in fright. But anyways back to the dream. She had a hold of my friend and in this dream I needed to save my friend so I started running towards her scareming to let go of my friend but with every step I took closer to her she would take two steps back. The faster I ran the slower I became. I felt myself stop and I stared and she raised a sharp object and plunged it into my friend. I started running again to get to her and help her but I couldnt run fast enough. The screams my friend let out pirced through my heart like a knife. I wanted to save my friend so bad I couldnt and I just kept running and screaming. I finally started to get closer but I could see my friend was hurt very bad. Blood everywhere but she was still calling out for me and I kept running and I was almost in arms reach and the evil lady took the sharp object and drug it across my friends neck. I then stopped and stared as she throw my friends bleeding body to the ground with this nasty smile on her face. I shook off the stiffness and ran to my friend but she was gone and I remember asking God right there "Whats Happening?" The fear started to well up inside and I looked around to see if I could see her anywhere. I told my lifeless friend that not to worry I would be back for her. I got up and walked. My emotions where overwhelming and running was just not possible. I was looking hard for the road so I could just go and get help and all this way I am walking I am asking God to show me the way. I went in a circle because I came back to where my friend was. I realized then I am not going to get out of this corn field. Out of the cornor of my eye I saw something move so I turned my head to see if I could see and then like a bird this lady came right out of the sky and landed right next to me. I didnt know that fear was so strong and even though I was terrified I started screaming again asking what she wanted and who she was and then finally I lundge at her to hit her because I was so mad. But I couldnt even get close to her to hit her. She told me that she was the holder of my dreams then she started screaming something in a different lauguage. Then all the sudden her eyes went from pale blue to just black....the whole eye. Somehow I was understanding what she was saying now....I am Lucifer.....is what she was saying. I was petrafide and took off running asking God to get me out of this nightmear. I promised God I would be a better Christian please just get me out of here. Once again she came out of the sky and landed right in front of me and the expression "scared stiff" was so true at this time. She then raised her arm and I guess knocked me out because there was a short period where there was nothing. I woke up in this meddow. I have dreamed about this place before and it is so beautiful. The greenest tall grass and pretty purple flowers all over and hills. The sun shine and the tempurture is just right. I got up knowing I was still dreaming. Then I heard a voice asking me if it was beautiful. I answered "YES"
Then the voice said "Wouldnt it be awesome if you could spend eternaity here"
"It would be and to bring my daughter here and show her would be awesome! She would love it!" I said
" Then all you have to do it make her and sleep forever and all this will be yours!" the voice said.
"What do you mean?" I said very concerned
"DEATH!" The voice shouted
My heart sank to the ground and said "No Never! God is the only one who is allowed to take me! GO away please just leave me alone!!!!" Next thing I started being lifted off the ground. I then asked God to protect me and if I would going to die in this dream make it quick. I was lifted so high I could see for miles and the beauty was amazing!
The voice asked "Dont you want all this for yourself?"
I looked all around and for a slight minute I did but I shouted "NO!" I also shouted "In Jesus' name you will put me back on the ground!"
Then it go really dark and cloudes started to come in. It started raining and then lighting and next thundering. I was scared that I was going to get hit by lightning until I started falling. I was falling in slow motion but I knew that I might die from this fall. On my down I ask God to take care of my little girl. I didnt know what all was going to happen. I looked under me and saw the ground coming and said one last thing to God before I hit the ground......God help me! When I hit it felt as if I broke every bone in my body. The pain was so intense that I wanted to cry but I just couldnt. Then the pain started going away slowly and thats when I realized that where I couldnt feel pain I couldnt move that part. I laid there as the rain fell on me. I turned my head trying not to drownd from the heavy rain. The only light I had was when the lightning would flash. I laid there thinking about my life and what I have done in it that would be pleasing to God. For some reason I really thought I was going to lay here and I was going to die. Even though its a dream it was an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be my last dream. As I looked to my side I saw a piece of land and sky that had light....day light. No rain just like before the rain started. There was a light like a dot in that piece of land and it was moving closer. When it got close to me I noticed what that little light dot was. I starred in amazment. I asked myself "Could it really be Him?"
He answered "It is I Jesus."
I couldnt believe what I was seeing. I felt the fear run from my body as he stood there and smiled at me. I felt so safe like I was rescued and a sigh of relieve came out. He then told me to stand up and at my shock I could move. I got up with absoulutly no pain.
He said "Christianna I am here to save you. To tell you that your faith is great and my Father is pleased with you. You have an amazing gift and my Father has told me that He would like you to use it more."
"What gift?" I said
"Your words you express on paper." He said to me.
"Forget about the writing why am I tortured with these dreams? Jesus I just want peace while I sleep." I expressed fighting back the tears.
"Im just so frusturated with the nightmears please can they stop!" I said trying to fight back screaming and cry and just wanting to lose it.
"Its ok to cry." He said to me
"I cant. Im in the presants of Jesus I dont want to be all a mess!" I said
"I have seen you at your worse and let me tell you this....The Father has heard your prayers and He will answer them in His timing. The dreams will end but not right now. They will get easier but just hold on to that prayer. I also have a message for you. Just keep searching and you will find your way!" He said
I started crying as soon as He said that because for those who dont know thats what my grandma use to say that to me. He came up to me and just held me while I cried.
Soon I felt that he was no long her physically holding on to me anymore so I looked up and noticed I was on the doorstep to my grandmas old house. I got up and rang the door bell and I wanted to fall to my knees when I saw it was my grandma who opened the door. She opened to the door and for the first time since her death I was able to give her a hug. A prayer I prayed was just wanting to give my grandma one last hug. She said to me "I love you but its time to wake up!" I said "NO!" God knew I didnt want to wake up but next thing I know I was up and it was peace. Thats my dream. Now that I know God really notices me I know things will be different. I praise God that the last couple of days my dreams have been pretty peaceful!
Monday, February 4, 2013
I dont wana do it all alone
Pills, promises, friends and choices are a part of my life. Lets break this all down.
Pills: I take 7 different pills each day for what well I am a pretty sick person but not pysically more like mental. I am crazy but I think thats why God loves me so much! Now taking pills everyday comes with great responsibility to be incharge enough to take them everyday.
Im so not perfect and yes sometimes I do forget to take them because it really does slip my mind and sometimes I just dont feel like take them but thats a choice but we will get to that in a few. There are ups and downs to taking meds. It makes you feel good and then you got the side effects yuck! Is it ok to get addicted to your everyday pills? I know this is how feel when I dont take them
In my mind getting off them makes we think it will be like this
FREE! Does it make sence??? God said bacially we shouldnt take mind altering things.....would my mental pills be a part of that because it does alter my mind.....so would drinking and getting high be the same with getting addicted to your everyday pills? Thats something to think about on to the next......
Promises: What is a promise???? a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. So I have made some promises to no drink, take my meds, no sugar daddys and that I will not text people saying I wana cut. Sound resonable.....if only people knew. Well let me tell you something that is wrong with this....I promised. If you read James 5:12 it says "My brothers and sisters above all DO NOT use an oath when you make a promise. Dont use the name heaven earth or anything else to prove what you say. When you mean yes say only yes and when you say no say only no so you will not be judged guilty." (NCV)
I am guilty because I made promises that I couldnt keep. In my mind I would have kept them at that one time but we got to keep remembering WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND WILL NEVER BE TIL WE ARE HOME WITH GOD! It was not even fair of me to promise anything because we NEVER know only God does!
Friends: This is a hard topic for me. For me its hard for me to make friends. Let me explain to you about me......I am so use to being alone that I dont know how to be a good friend....now thats not an excuse its the truth! I grow up with mental illnesses that really kept everybody away. I never stayed on my meds and never did I ever feel like dealing with it. It wasnt til I came to South Carolina where I started trying.
To all my friends I write this:
Its been a trip...longer for some people. I know I have my ups and downs but just keep walking with me I am almost there. I may fall and there is God to pick me up to keep going but I need you to keep encouraging. I am dealing with me just as much as you are and just dont give up because I need you. I will do wrong but dont handing me a bag of conciquences because thats Gods job. I would never ask you to forget me being mean but please forgive me because I really dont want to be mean but that also comes with choices which we will get to next. IM TRYING SO HARD! Please dont just look at the bad moment open your mind and remember the first time you met me....now look at me....am i worse or better? One bad moment please dont use it against me. I love all of you and remember that I still learning what having friends is all about because back in Ohio I never had friends. Love Aidey
Soon we will be like this
Choices: This is a big one...Choices! Everyday we make choices all day everyday! Sometimes we make good choices but sometimes we make bad choices. The thing about choices is that eventually we are going to make a bad one because we are not perfect. When I choose not to take my pills I am more than likely making a bad one. When I choose to be mean I am also making a bad one. Ok so now that we know I make some bad choices lets turn it around...what are some good choices I make? I choose to believe in God, I choose to open the door for friends which it extreamly hard for me, I choose to shower which is a yay GOD! lol! Let me tell you a little story
I choose the last two nights no to take my pills ok so now I have made a bad choice and broken a promise to a friend. Ok so now i need to be punish....What are the punishments for this well lets look at this...I made a friend mad and now she dont trust me and she probably wont let me back at her house, I feel like i could just go cut, I cry because Im so frusterated that I feel like nobody wants to even see i am trying. NOT A GOOD DAY! So it was a bad choice but its a lessoned learned! Should I be condemed to hell for this bad choice....probably....I hope God sees mercy and grace. Mercy is not getting something we deserve and grace is getting something we dont deserve....God chooses to give us mercy and grace....Thank you God. So I am going to leaving with this one request...........look back on that last couple of days and see what God has chosen to give you mercy and grace on and then just Thank Him!
Pills: I take 7 different pills each day for what well I am a pretty sick person but not pysically more like mental. I am crazy but I think thats why God loves me so much! Now taking pills everyday comes with great responsibility to be incharge enough to take them everyday.
In my mind getting off them makes we think it will be like this
FREE! Does it make sence??? God said bacially we shouldnt take mind altering things.....would my mental pills be a part of that because it does alter my mind.....so would drinking and getting high be the same with getting addicted to your everyday pills? Thats something to think about on to the next......
Promises: What is a promise???? a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. So I have made some promises to no drink, take my meds, no sugar daddys and that I will not text people saying I wana cut. Sound resonable.....if only people knew. Well let me tell you something that is wrong with this....I promised. If you read James 5:12 it says "My brothers and sisters above all DO NOT use an oath when you make a promise. Dont use the name heaven earth or anything else to prove what you say. When you mean yes say only yes and when you say no say only no so you will not be judged guilty." (NCV)
I am guilty because I made promises that I couldnt keep. In my mind I would have kept them at that one time but we got to keep remembering WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND WILL NEVER BE TIL WE ARE HOME WITH GOD! It was not even fair of me to promise anything because we NEVER know only God does!
Friends: This is a hard topic for me. For me its hard for me to make friends. Let me explain to you about me......I am so use to being alone that I dont know how to be a good friend....now thats not an excuse its the truth! I grow up with mental illnesses that really kept everybody away. I never stayed on my meds and never did I ever feel like dealing with it. It wasnt til I came to South Carolina where I started trying.
To all my friends I write this:
Its been a trip...longer for some people. I know I have my ups and downs but just keep walking with me I am almost there. I may fall and there is God to pick me up to keep going but I need you to keep encouraging. I am dealing with me just as much as you are and just dont give up because I need you. I will do wrong but dont handing me a bag of conciquences because thats Gods job. I would never ask you to forget me being mean but please forgive me because I really dont want to be mean but that also comes with choices which we will get to next. IM TRYING SO HARD! Please dont just look at the bad moment open your mind and remember the first time you met me....now look at me....am i worse or better? One bad moment please dont use it against me. I love all of you and remember that I still learning what having friends is all about because back in Ohio I never had friends. Love Aidey
Soon we will be like this
Choices: This is a big one...Choices! Everyday we make choices all day everyday! Sometimes we make good choices but sometimes we make bad choices. The thing about choices is that eventually we are going to make a bad one because we are not perfect. When I choose not to take my pills I am more than likely making a bad one. When I choose to be mean I am also making a bad one. Ok so now that we know I make some bad choices lets turn it around...what are some good choices I make? I choose to believe in God, I choose to open the door for friends which it extreamly hard for me, I choose to shower which is a yay GOD! lol! Let me tell you a little story
I choose the last two nights no to take my pills ok so now I have made a bad choice and broken a promise to a friend. Ok so now i need to be punish....What are the punishments for this well lets look at this...I made a friend mad and now she dont trust me and she probably wont let me back at her house, I feel like i could just go cut, I cry because Im so frusterated that I feel like nobody wants to even see i am trying. NOT A GOOD DAY! So it was a bad choice but its a lessoned learned! Should I be condemed to hell for this bad choice....probably....I hope God sees mercy and grace. Mercy is not getting something we deserve and grace is getting something we dont deserve....God chooses to give us mercy and grace....Thank you God. So I am going to leaving with this one request...........look back on that last couple of days and see what God has chosen to give you mercy and grace on and then just Thank Him!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
You gotta get up and TRY!
Do you have that one thing in your life that you keep secret never wanting to deal with it knowing that you could never forgive yourself and honestly believeing God wont either?
Jenny is mine......
She has been on my mind lately and I find myself doing more dangerous things to try and block it out but nothing seems to work because her memory is still there.
Maybe telling my story will help ease the pain and help me to ease the dreams.
Here is the story of Jenny............
I ment Jenny when I was 17. It was shortly after Marks death. Jenny had a little daughter and she was 4 years old and her name was Mikayla. She had these beautiful bright blue eyes and this bright blond hair with gorgous curls and a pretty smile. She was a cute kid to say the least. She lived about an hour away from me so I use to take trips there with my daughter. Well shortly after I met Jenny Mikayla got really sick and was told she had lukimia.
Jenny took it hard and I tried my best to go up to the hospital every chance I could.
The next 2 years where filled with appointments, hospital stays and chemo. She wasnt the kid that said "Its going to be fine mom." she was more the typical kid saying "Mom Im scared." Chemo and dyalisis took a lot out of her and pretty soon her hair started to fade and go straight and eventually started to fall out. She eyes toned down and the smile faded the more sick she got.
Jenny and I went into her room one day and she was throwing up blood. Jenny screamed for the nurses to come in and we were told to leave the room. After about what seemed like a life time they told us we could go back in and sit with her but not to long that she needed her rest. I looked at Jenny and i could tell she just wanted to fall apart. I asked her if she wanted me to go so she could have time with Mikayla. Jennys face was very pale...she looked at me and said she couldnt do this anymore. I asked what she met and she told me that she cant have a sick kid because its hurting her to see Mikayla like she is. She turned around and ran for the door. I couldnt believe she was doing this so I ran after her and eventually I tackled her to the ground and pinned her and she started screaming
"Let me go bitch when I get up ima fuck you up!"
"Go head but you cant run your daughters in there and she needs you!" I said screaming
"I cant do it anymore I cant handle it!" she managed to say over the hysterical crying.
"It hurts......" She mummbled
"How do you think Mikayla feels....she cant even run from this problem!" I said very stern
"Why her why my baby?" She said
"I dont know but she needs you more than anything right now." I said
She quite fighting me and I let her go and helped her up. we hugged and I told her that we need to go see her now.
We walked in and she looked so sick. The ouside of her eyes were red and her lips chaped and her skin was brused and turning weird colors. Even though she was sick I still saw that little girl that I grow to love. I looked over at Jenny and she was crying and I noticed that I was too. I knew in my head that she wasnt going to make it much longer and I think Jenny knew that too.
Jenny crawled in bed with Mikayla and laid there with her. I sat there till Jenny feel asleep and then I slipped out and went home.
About 5am my phone rand and I wondered who it was calling so early in the morning so I answered it and all I heard was crying.
My heart sunk into my stomach
I knew it was Jenny and I knew what she was about to tell me.
I dont think she said anything so I said that I would be there as soon as I could. Then we hung up.
I arrived at the hospital around 630am and Jenny was sitting right infront of the door to the hospital. She was rocking and singing. I asked if I could take her home and she told me that she needed to be here for Mikayla. I didnt know how to take this so I sat down next to her and grabbed her and hugged her. I rocked with her and then she started to scream.
"Oh god why my baby? What the hell did I do to you? Christiey make the pain go away please just make it ended."
by this point im in tears saying
"God wanted her and one day your going to see her and she is not going to be sick. Just hold on..."
"I cant I want her back!"
"I wish we could have her back!" I kept saying.
We sat there rocking and crying for quite some time but eventually I took her home and i stayed with her for a few days until the funural.
At the funural Jenny didnt look like she was going to make it through the funural.
When she got up to talk nothing came out....just tears.
I ran up there to get her down and I stood up and said
"Mikayla was the best!"
That is all that was said because thats all that needed to be said.
After the funural I took Jenny home. She told me that I could go home that she would be ok.
"Are you sure?" I said
"Yes! You got to get back to your daughter." she said
"Alright girl I love ya." I said
"Love ya too!" She said
She shut the door and I look at the window....there was something different about her but I wasnt quite sure...it was almost as if she was taking all this way to easy.
Didnt really think to much about it so I went home.
Five days after the funural I was sitting at home and my daughter was sick with the flu that day. Well I got a call from Jenny.
"No I cant do it I miss her to much to go on please dont be mad at me!" She screamed over the phone.
"Jenny clam down and talk to me." I said trying to be as sane as I can.
"Please come here now I need you." She said
"Can I come tomorrow my daughter is sick and I dont want to drag her out of the house." I said
"It will be to late." She said
"What are you talking about?" I said
"Just come I really need you!" She said
"I cant today my daughter is sick." I lash at her.
We talked for over and hour and her voice started to trail off. I asked her why she was getting so quiet.
She then said
"Im sorry but Mikayla needs me."
I asked her what she did but got no responce and all I could hear was gurgling sound. I knew she did something so I hung up the phone and since she didnt hang I couldnjt get her off the line. I jumped up and ran cross the street to call from a different phone. I called 911 and told them what happened.
I sat there and waited hitting my head thinging why didnt i just go over there.
There was a knock on the door. I got up and saw that there was 2 police officers standing there.
I opened the door very slowly. They asked if I was Christianna Vasquez and I told them yes and they took off there hats and as they were doing that I screamed at the to put them back on....by this time i knew what they were going to tell me and I didnt want to hear it but soon enough they told me Jenny was dead...she over dosed while we were on the phone.Jenny and Mikayla were dead.
I blame myself for her death because I could have stopped her if I would have gotten into my car and went over! I knew she was having a hard time with Mikaylas death.....To this day I pound my head against the wall knowing that if I were to drive there she would still be alive today.....I can never forgive myself for this selfish act and I dont believe God will forgive me either. She even warned me it was going to be to late.
Now you have heard my story....
Jenny is mine......
She has been on my mind lately and I find myself doing more dangerous things to try and block it out but nothing seems to work because her memory is still there.
Maybe telling my story will help ease the pain and help me to ease the dreams.
Here is the story of Jenny............
I ment Jenny when I was 17. It was shortly after Marks death. Jenny had a little daughter and she was 4 years old and her name was Mikayla. She had these beautiful bright blue eyes and this bright blond hair with gorgous curls and a pretty smile. She was a cute kid to say the least. She lived about an hour away from me so I use to take trips there with my daughter. Well shortly after I met Jenny Mikayla got really sick and was told she had lukimia.
Jenny took it hard and I tried my best to go up to the hospital every chance I could.
The next 2 years where filled with appointments, hospital stays and chemo. She wasnt the kid that said "Its going to be fine mom." she was more the typical kid saying "Mom Im scared." Chemo and dyalisis took a lot out of her and pretty soon her hair started to fade and go straight and eventually started to fall out. She eyes toned down and the smile faded the more sick she got.
Jenny and I went into her room one day and she was throwing up blood. Jenny screamed for the nurses to come in and we were told to leave the room. After about what seemed like a life time they told us we could go back in and sit with her but not to long that she needed her rest. I looked at Jenny and i could tell she just wanted to fall apart. I asked her if she wanted me to go so she could have time with Mikayla. Jennys face was very pale...she looked at me and said she couldnt do this anymore. I asked what she met and she told me that she cant have a sick kid because its hurting her to see Mikayla like she is. She turned around and ran for the door. I couldnt believe she was doing this so I ran after her and eventually I tackled her to the ground and pinned her and she started screaming
"Let me go bitch when I get up ima fuck you up!"
"Go head but you cant run your daughters in there and she needs you!" I said screaming
"I cant do it anymore I cant handle it!" she managed to say over the hysterical crying.
"It hurts......" She mummbled
"How do you think Mikayla feels....she cant even run from this problem!" I said very stern
"Why her why my baby?" She said
"I dont know but she needs you more than anything right now." I said
She quite fighting me and I let her go and helped her up. we hugged and I told her that we need to go see her now.
We walked in and she looked so sick. The ouside of her eyes were red and her lips chaped and her skin was brused and turning weird colors. Even though she was sick I still saw that little girl that I grow to love. I looked over at Jenny and she was crying and I noticed that I was too. I knew in my head that she wasnt going to make it much longer and I think Jenny knew that too.
Jenny crawled in bed with Mikayla and laid there with her. I sat there till Jenny feel asleep and then I slipped out and went home.
About 5am my phone rand and I wondered who it was calling so early in the morning so I answered it and all I heard was crying.
My heart sunk into my stomach
I knew it was Jenny and I knew what she was about to tell me.
I dont think she said anything so I said that I would be there as soon as I could. Then we hung up.
I arrived at the hospital around 630am and Jenny was sitting right infront of the door to the hospital. She was rocking and singing. I asked if I could take her home and she told me that she needed to be here for Mikayla. I didnt know how to take this so I sat down next to her and grabbed her and hugged her. I rocked with her and then she started to scream.
"Oh god why my baby? What the hell did I do to you? Christiey make the pain go away please just make it ended."
by this point im in tears saying
"God wanted her and one day your going to see her and she is not going to be sick. Just hold on..."
"I cant I want her back!"
"I wish we could have her back!" I kept saying.
We sat there rocking and crying for quite some time but eventually I took her home and i stayed with her for a few days until the funural.
At the funural Jenny didnt look like she was going to make it through the funural.
When she got up to talk nothing came out....just tears.
I ran up there to get her down and I stood up and said
"Mikayla was the best!"
That is all that was said because thats all that needed to be said.
After the funural I took Jenny home. She told me that I could go home that she would be ok.
"Are you sure?" I said
"Yes! You got to get back to your daughter." she said
"Alright girl I love ya." I said
"Love ya too!" She said
She shut the door and I look at the window....there was something different about her but I wasnt quite sure...it was almost as if she was taking all this way to easy.
Didnt really think to much about it so I went home.
Five days after the funural I was sitting at home and my daughter was sick with the flu that day. Well I got a call from Jenny.
"No I cant do it I miss her to much to go on please dont be mad at me!" She screamed over the phone.
"Jenny clam down and talk to me." I said trying to be as sane as I can.
"Please come here now I need you." She said
"Can I come tomorrow my daughter is sick and I dont want to drag her out of the house." I said
"It will be to late." She said
"What are you talking about?" I said
"Just come I really need you!" She said
"I cant today my daughter is sick." I lash at her.
We talked for over and hour and her voice started to trail off. I asked her why she was getting so quiet.
She then said
"Im sorry but Mikayla needs me."
I asked her what she did but got no responce and all I could hear was gurgling sound. I knew she did something so I hung up the phone and since she didnt hang I couldnjt get her off the line. I jumped up and ran cross the street to call from a different phone. I called 911 and told them what happened.
I sat there and waited hitting my head thinging why didnt i just go over there.
There was a knock on the door. I got up and saw that there was 2 police officers standing there.
I opened the door very slowly. They asked if I was Christianna Vasquez and I told them yes and they took off there hats and as they were doing that I screamed at the to put them back on....by this time i knew what they were going to tell me and I didnt want to hear it but soon enough they told me Jenny was dead...she over dosed while we were on the phone.Jenny and Mikayla were dead.
I blame myself for her death because I could have stopped her if I would have gotten into my car and went over! I knew she was having a hard time with Mikaylas death.....To this day I pound my head against the wall knowing that if I were to drive there she would still be alive today.....I can never forgive myself for this selfish act and I dont believe God will forgive me either. She even warned me it was going to be to late.
Now you have heard my story....
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Am I alone in this fight?
" I cant be involved in your life anymore."
"What did I do? I havent done drugs and I am not pregnant. Ive been good!"
Everything went silent.
My mind raced I didnt know what just happened. My heart sunk to my stomach.
Not again please please no not again.
I ran upstairs where my mother was sleeping I screamed out
"why does she hate me so much, mom I didnt do anything this time! Mom please tell me why she hates me?" I asked hoping she would answer me. In tears hysterically crying begging my mother for an answer. "Christiey I dont know why you keep talking to her she is always doing this to you!" Mom I dont understand I screamed crying hysterically what is it about me that she hates so much?
I fell to the floor and tried to scream to get out some frustration but nothing came out. My mother got out of bed and got down to the floor and hugged me and said to calm down I begged with her to say it was ok to kill myself but she just kept saying things will get better. WE sat there and rocked and she rubbed my head and just kept saying things will get better.
I keep asking will it?
"What did I do? I havent done drugs and I am not pregnant. Ive been good!"
Everything went silent.
My mind raced I didnt know what just happened. My heart sunk to my stomach.
Not again please please no not again.
I ran upstairs where my mother was sleeping I screamed out
"why does she hate me so much, mom I didnt do anything this time! Mom please tell me why she hates me?" I asked hoping she would answer me. In tears hysterically crying begging my mother for an answer. "Christiey I dont know why you keep talking to her she is always doing this to you!" Mom I dont understand I screamed crying hysterically what is it about me that she hates so much?
I fell to the floor and tried to scream to get out some frustration but nothing came out. My mother got out of bed and got down to the floor and hugged me and said to calm down I begged with her to say it was ok to kill myself but she just kept saying things will get better. WE sat there and rocked and she rubbed my head and just kept saying things will get better.
I keep asking will it?
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Life without Pam
"Fine I don't want to be your friend either!" I said as I throw my phone across the room. I watched as it crashed into the wall and break into pieces. I grabbed my head and yelled for the voices to stop but they just kept screaming. My eyes welded up in tears and I tried to hold them back but next thing I know warmth came into my eyes and they started sliding down my face. I could'nt breath as i tried all I got was dizzy and finally I took myself outside to calm down but all I could think is that I wanted to cut my arms. Imaging draging a razor made me feel better. The pain and blood was such as excitment for me, it made me feel better. I stared breathing right and the tears finally stopped so I went back inside. "Mommy remember you said you were going to take me to cheerleading class?" In my mind I dont remember and I didnt feel like it "Yeah get your things around and we will leave." I said as cheerful as I could. Gosh I alreaady missed talking to her! We got into the car amd a song called "Who Says" by Selena Gomez and the tears started welding up in my eyes again. I was able to stop them till I drop my daughter. I dropped her off at the front door and went to go and park the car. Thats when I started crying again but soon enough I got myself together and went inside.
We got back to the house and I layed down and fell asleep so I didnt have to deal with this.
When my eyes opened my eyes it was 10;30am and a big slap of reality came back to me....me and Pam were not speaking. I hate this is all I could think but I just cant do it anymore. So my day went on ok till about 4pm. I was remembering when me and Pam would laugh together and once again all I felt tears come in to my eyes. "Mommy whats wrong?" I tried my hardest to tell her nothing but I for some reason couldnt answer her. I started gasping for air but I could get any. My mother started to tell me breath but nothing. I got so lightheaded that I fell over from the lack for air and energy. I finally got a little air in my lungs but not enough. My mother kept trying to get me to breath and tried to ask whats wrong but I couldnt speak. In my mind I was begging God to just take me since i cant breath anyways. I think God noticed that I was hurting because all I could feel was a hand on my head I looked around and my daughter was sitting in the seat and my mother was just looking at me. I still felt the hand on my head trying to calm me. I finally got my breath back and I begged my mom to make it stop all the pain and heartache. I wanted everything to freeze and just go back in time before I became so stupid. I curled in a ball and just layed there thinking about all we have been through. I screamed I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! Nobody knew what just happened and to me I dont understand it either myself. We got back home and weirdly my mother felt bad for me because she was very nice about things. Now I am sittin here listening to music thinking about what comes next???
God if you can hear me please make it all stop.
We got back to the house and I layed down and fell asleep so I didnt have to deal with this.
When my eyes opened my eyes it was 10;30am and a big slap of reality came back to me....me and Pam were not speaking. I hate this is all I could think but I just cant do it anymore. So my day went on ok till about 4pm. I was remembering when me and Pam would laugh together and once again all I felt tears come in to my eyes. "Mommy whats wrong?" I tried my hardest to tell her nothing but I for some reason couldnt answer her. I started gasping for air but I could get any. My mother started to tell me breath but nothing. I got so lightheaded that I fell over from the lack for air and energy. I finally got a little air in my lungs but not enough. My mother kept trying to get me to breath and tried to ask whats wrong but I couldnt speak. In my mind I was begging God to just take me since i cant breath anyways. I think God noticed that I was hurting because all I could feel was a hand on my head I looked around and my daughter was sitting in the seat and my mother was just looking at me. I still felt the hand on my head trying to calm me. I finally got my breath back and I begged my mom to make it stop all the pain and heartache. I wanted everything to freeze and just go back in time before I became so stupid. I curled in a ball and just layed there thinking about all we have been through. I screamed I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! Nobody knew what just happened and to me I dont understand it either myself. We got back home and weirdly my mother felt bad for me because she was very nice about things. Now I am sittin here listening to music thinking about what comes next???
God if you can hear me please make it all stop.
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