Well I am going to start by saying that GOD IS AWESOME!!!!!!!
But it is time for me to just speak my mind in this blog...........
Natianna died.......
as I told in an earlier blog
Natianna was at a party were she was beatin and then wrapped in a blanket and then they people set the blanket on fire with her in it.
She was in the hospital for probably a good month.
She suffered 3dr degree burns over 30% of her body.
She died as a result of her burns.
I can't even imagine the pain she indured when she was burning.
I don't know if Natianna ever really excepted Christ in her life but I know that she is not with God.
It hurts to know that I never was able to help her much!
I let her stay a few nights at my old place.
I gave her some food and let her shower a few time
But I could never help her out with money or help her out by letting her live at my place.
Natianna A. Cruz you will forever be remembered and never forgotten by me and nobody around me will forget your name!!!!
Now moving on to other things.
I am having a dissagreement with a friends and it is sucking the life right out of me not to look hurt.
The pain I have been going through is almost feeling as if drowning would be better then this!
AND I just want to get one thing straight with this person.........
I DO NOT CUT MY WRIST OR GET DRUNK TO HELP MY DEPRESSION AND I NEVER ONCE SAID THAT MY DEPRESSION WAS IN ANYWAY WORSE OR LESS THAN YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go ahead and be mad that I just said that I just want to tell you because I feel like it was nessaccary.
I know your only human and I have tried to be a friend
but you ignore me and you give me funny looks and I don't want to deal with that.........if I did I would just go to my mothers house!
Honestly if we would just sit down and talk I think things might help but I really don't ever see that happening soon for two reasons
-I am hated and she never calls to talk thing out
-I might be going to jail soon.
I can only pray about that last one.
I lift it only up to God to help me through this time of need!
Now on to other matters.......
Some of you know I have mental disorders that I deal with daily
but I did have them undercontrol but lost the ability to keep my
depression hiden any longer.
I do believe that God can heal my pain.
But what I get from people is this.......
Some what me to get on my meds and some tell me God can heal me from the
depression so I don't really need it because God can heal it on His time.
What do you think???
Now I am talking to my friend, the only friend I have that I can talk to anymore.
I am really greatful for Beth because she is the only person I can talk to that will have an open mind a bout things I tell her..........
Others my listen but they will only listen with their ears and not their mind!
With this I am out peace
-Aidey-
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Molding
Sometimes I wonder if I am me anymore.
Let me start out by saying that someone in my life as molded me into a a nice female looking person.
This is how I look now. Nice an like a female. I just got my hair straightened so it is not curly. This is with the help of an awesome friend Kendra.
This is me before I met Kendra.......Wow can you see the difference?
Most of the clothes I own now are Kendra but she has been a great friend to let me keep the clothes.
I LOVE LOOKING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Changes
My life has changed a lot since last year.
I went from living outside and run down apartments and houses.
Places that were filled with animals and
along with the aminals came the waste, that
nobody bothered to clean up.
I use to gag and try and clean
the houses and apartment.
One house inperticular there were a couple
cats that lived there and you could literally see flees jumping.
Another place I stayed at was so dirty that everyday I was killing cockroaches and other bugs. Knats flew around everywhere. There dirty dishes that have not been washed for months and was growing mold. The showers were so dirty I don't think if you tried to take a shower that you would get clean. Their soaps were covered by bugs.
Another place I stayed there was always parties and everyday you would see beer cans, drugs and pornography just sitting around the place.
I did not car for it but I was use to it. I just thought this was how a lot of people lived.
Now that I am saved and living with these people
everywhere I go is like a palace too me.
The place I live at is big and clean and always has food
I don't have to miss a meal to let the kids too eat because there is enough food.
No more watching out all night to make sure nobody is going to do stupid things to me.
Nomore bugs..........
Sometimes I wonder if I belong here.
I live in a really nice area and it is so different.
I don't really talk to any of my old friends.
I don't want them to think that I now am too good for them
beccause that is so not true.
Do I need to go and talk to them more???
Should I just live my new life and try to forget them???
CRAZYNESS!!!!!!!!!!
I went from living outside and run down apartments and houses.
Places that were filled with animals and
along with the aminals came the waste, that
nobody bothered to clean up.
I use to gag and try and clean
the houses and apartment.
One house inperticular there were a couple
cats that lived there and you could literally see flees jumping.
Another place I stayed at was so dirty that everyday I was killing cockroaches and other bugs. Knats flew around everywhere. There dirty dishes that have not been washed for months and was growing mold. The showers were so dirty I don't think if you tried to take a shower that you would get clean. Their soaps were covered by bugs.
Another place I stayed there was always parties and everyday you would see beer cans, drugs and pornography just sitting around the place.
I did not car for it but I was use to it. I just thought this was how a lot of people lived.
Now that I am saved and living with these people
everywhere I go is like a palace too me.
The place I live at is big and clean and always has food
I don't have to miss a meal to let the kids too eat because there is enough food.
No more watching out all night to make sure nobody is going to do stupid things to me.
Nomore bugs..........
Sometimes I wonder if I belong here.
I live in a really nice area and it is so different.
I don't really talk to any of my old friends.
I don't want them to think that I now am too good for them
beccause that is so not true.
Do I need to go and talk to them more???
Should I just live my new life and try to forget them???
CRAZYNESS!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Love of God Comes in Many Ways
The last few days have been a strain on my stress level and my sanity.
I try to love life but why does it seem like my saved life has more problems then when I was not saved??
That's easy it is because I am living in reality!
Which I don't believe my sister is living in the reality she should.
I am dealing with her giving my niece and nephews to there father
and now I will be even lucky to even say Hi. To them.
I talked to her last night and she was acting a lot different.
She has become somebody else inside.
She use to be all for Jesus and living her life
but she has lost her walk with faith
and she is confused about everything.
I told her last night one thing that I never thought would come out of my mouth..
I told her I would her rather be with Josh(the children's father)right now.
Shocker.......Totally.
(Kendra is not listening to me)
She also told me that she doesn't know what to do
She is in a bind right now having
money problems.
She said she just could not seem to get on her feet there in Texas.
She said that she would like to come back to Ohio because she misses her
friends
work
and
everything.
(Kendra does not feel better)
There is something about this guy she is seeing that I don't like and
I don't trust and I am starting to put my finger on it.
but anyways
all I can do is PRAY.....she is not doing good with
choice making.
Not time for the update with Natianna......
She is in the hospital in critical condition
She was beaten and wrapped in a blanket and set on fire.
I feel a little responsible because after she moved
I did not really stay in contact for her to talk too.
I ignored some of her phone calls because I knew what they were about
and I did not really answer her e-mails.
And now all I can think is that I could have been there
more for her! I tried to call up to the hospital but she can't have
visitors or phone calls. She is on a 24 hour watch
and guards are by her door. She has suffered 3 degree burns
over 30 percent of her body.
All I can do is PRAY for her too.
Now time for an amazing GOD...........
I have not gotten a lot of sleep lately and
with everything going on it is getting harder for me to sleep.
I was up till about midnight doing my studies
when a tiredness feeling came over me
I thought it was kinda weird because
midnight is very early for me to go to bed.
I closed my eyes and started to pray.......
letting God take it into his hands
I grow more tired the longer I prayed.
Then as clear as day I hear
"Lay your head my child!"
I first looked around to see if anybody was around,nobody.
I did not question it, I took my things downstairs, put the away and got my pillow and blanket out and was going to watch a little TV.
I started the movie and before
my head even hit the pillow I was asleep in a deep sleep.
Now in my dreams I was told that
"Sleep is being handed to you. Now praise your GOD!"
Does this mean I am going to get more sleep????
I don't know but I will defiantly PRAISE MY GOD!!!!!
One night of sleep was great!
I have not slept that hard and soundly in a while!
Praise God for just being AWESOME!!!!!!
I try to love life but why does it seem like my saved life has more problems then when I was not saved??
That's easy it is because I am living in reality!
Which I don't believe my sister is living in the reality she should.
I am dealing with her giving my niece and nephews to there father
and now I will be even lucky to even say Hi. To them.
I talked to her last night and she was acting a lot different.
She has become somebody else inside.
She use to be all for Jesus and living her life
but she has lost her walk with faith
and she is confused about everything.
I told her last night one thing that I never thought would come out of my mouth..
I told her I would her rather be with Josh(the children's father)right now.
Shocker.......Totally.
(Kendra is not listening to me)
She also told me that she doesn't know what to do
She is in a bind right now having
money problems.
She said she just could not seem to get on her feet there in Texas.
She said that she would like to come back to Ohio because she misses her
friends
work
and
everything.
(Kendra does not feel better)
There is something about this guy she is seeing that I don't like and
I don't trust and I am starting to put my finger on it.
but anyways
all I can do is PRAY.....she is not doing good with
choice making.
Not time for the update with Natianna......
She is in the hospital in critical condition
She was beaten and wrapped in a blanket and set on fire.
I feel a little responsible because after she moved
I did not really stay in contact for her to talk too.
I ignored some of her phone calls because I knew what they were about
and I did not really answer her e-mails.
And now all I can think is that I could have been there
more for her! I tried to call up to the hospital but she can't have
visitors or phone calls. She is on a 24 hour watch
and guards are by her door. She has suffered 3 degree burns
over 30 percent of her body.
All I can do is PRAY for her too.
Now time for an amazing GOD...........
I have not gotten a lot of sleep lately and
with everything going on it is getting harder for me to sleep.
I was up till about midnight doing my studies
when a tiredness feeling came over me
I thought it was kinda weird because
midnight is very early for me to go to bed.
I closed my eyes and started to pray.......
letting God take it into his hands
I grow more tired the longer I prayed.
Then as clear as day I hear
"Lay your head my child!"
I first looked around to see if anybody was around,nobody.
I did not question it, I took my things downstairs, put the away and got my pillow and blanket out and was going to watch a little TV.
I started the movie and before
my head even hit the pillow I was asleep in a deep sleep.
Now in my dreams I was told that
"Sleep is being handed to you. Now praise your GOD!"
Does this mean I am going to get more sleep????
I don't know but I will defiantly PRAISE MY GOD!!!!!
One night of sleep was great!
I have not slept that hard and soundly in a while!
Praise God for just being AWESOME!!!!!!
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