Letting go..........

So some of you know what is going on with me and how depressed I am over somethings about me life and people in it. I have been praying about my life and pray to God to help me understand the actions of some people that I am around every once in a while. I know I have done bad but have I done that bad??? I know that I have done wrong and if you believe that I need the pain of not being noticed anymore than I guess that is that! "friendships come, friendships go...it still hurts though." Let me say this NEVER will I believe that you are another Jenny.....it will hurt but I can stand. I am going to only look foward and keep praying for a reunion with you. I prayed last night....in tears I prayed that He would give me the understanding on what you are going through.......was I that bad? was I that mean? was I that misunderstanding? If it has come to this I guess I was. And the only thing I can do is say....sorry..... Rough time help people realize....and I do. All I can do now is just pary and that is what I am going to do for you............
Dear Lord Jesus,
Please help my friend and letting the pain this person has be brought only too you. Help this person so they know you are there. This person is going through a lot and I just want to pray that you can help ease this pain and letting this person know you will always be there! No matter where this person is and how far it may seem to them! And that moutain they have been climbing make them realize that it is just a grain of sand. And make them realize that all the love they were sureaching for is in their hands and Yours! In Jesus name Amen.
I will be waiting.....Love you.

Internet Studies 3 What has changed.

Well.....what has changed in my life. A lot is going on right now. My dads is not talking to me because he mistress is not wanting me too and it is very hurtful and it is almost killing me. And I know I need to forgive him after it all blows off but I just dont know if I can. I guess I just need to pray that God gives the strength to do so! Another thing is that I am tired of where I am living. But see I am pretty content right now because I always have my nose in a book or on here doing my studies! Things are acually changing little by little and sometimes I dont feel like they are because it is going very slow. I want to attend school Majoring in Machanics and then after I get done and know about my God I acually want to go to school for missionaries.

Internet Studies 2 Song

Well my favorite christian song would have too be One True Gob by Mark Harris. This song talks about how the is only One True God and no matter what happeneds anywhere at anytime He is still there to be the One True God!!!! It is about how no matter what I do and what I say He is there to forgive me and be my God! Even through it all He remains the One True God!

Internet Studies.....1.....Bible book.

I have only read a couple books in the Bible but right now my favorite would probably be Job. The reasons I like this book is because I feel like a lot of people could get something really deep out of this! Job lost just about everything, the only thing Job had to hold on to was his life but yet he questioned it...and his God, Whom he had never questioned!!!! But as long as you dont lose that faith God will restore what the devil took away....but God will restore it ten times better and with so much more. Yet this book was hard too read and I had a lot of questions it was a great book and helped me get through the family problems and all the questions on why I had to go through this it was a great book!!!!!!!!!!!!

Natianna

Ok so Natianna is in New York and I told her that I was going to go to New York and bring her back to Ohio. When she lived there last she was selling her body and doing some pretty hard core drugs. I don't want to lose this one. I have spent so much time and effort into this chick and to give up on her now would be stupid.

Natianna has depression just as bad as mine. She feels like nobody is there and even when you know they are there. I dont want her to think I gave up on her so she is coming back and I will work harder to get her to come to church.

Some people dont think I should go and Natianna is conviced that there is no hope for her but there is! People thought that I was helpless and even though I am not perfect like I should be I have changed a lot!

I remember Kendra and Kim(not mommy or mamma anymore because of private reasons:(.....) dragging me out of bars because they are awesome(sometimes lol) now they dont have too anymore.

Now it is my turn to drag Natianna out of that bar! It might take a little longer but it will be done!

Internet Studies 5......... The Challenges of Life

So my situations are complex and very hard! I dont miss my old life but I miss things. Let me explain!

I life in a wonderful house with wonderful people. They are very nice and caring and I love them to death! I have food that is not out of the dumpster and I can shower in a shower and not in a creek. I can wash my clothes and I dont stink! What more could some person want???

In a way I guess me..........There are some things I cannot do here and I am missing it a lot! It has been 10 years since I have lived in a sturctured home and now that I acuaaly got rules it is getting to me!

I feel as if I am trapped but I know that is so not the case because it is my chose wheather or not to walk out of that door. But I am afraid that if I do I will go back to the old ways. I don't even want to go into town by myself because I am afraid I will do something stupid and make the diswsapointed in me.

I really want to change but way does it have to make me feel so trapped?

I am going through a deep depression that is keeping me from enjoying things right now. It is hard to know why theses things come up but for me anything can triger it! Today it was seeing everybody outside playing wiffle ball. I couldnt go out there because there were just to many people and it was scaring me! And it is depressing to know that I cannot do things like that......like a normal person! People started to come in and I got very nervus and backed into a cornor and then was basically told to leave because I looked funny being in the cornor! It is hurting me knowing I cannot do what other people do so easily! So people talked to me and that was ok but I just want to be normal..........I long to be someone else to know hoiw it feels to be around people and not care.

I dont understand why I am the way that I am but it is just me!
Sometimes I just hate being me..................................

24 Hours

The last 24 hours have been nothing but pain and insecurity with the life of many. Lets start out with last night when I receieved a phone call at 10:07pm. I aswered the phone and too my surprise it was Joe(he is the ex of one of my friends that I have not seen in a while). He told me that Christa had died that she had killed herself. I was shocked my heart dropped to the ground and I sat there thinking why??? I hung up the phone and just couldnt believe that she really did it. She has tried it before and was almost successful but thank God she was found! Now her 8 year old daughter is without a mom......wondering what is going through that little girls head.

Now this morning I was awoke to Tristen say that the kids were taken by social services and Heather was taken away in the police car. I jumbed up and ran inside. No kids and No Heather! My head started hurting and I didn't know what to do. I took a seat on a chair and noticed the silence in the house was overwelming! Tristen came back in and told me all that had happened and I just couldnt understand what was all going on. Heather has always provided for her kids and she is a good mom. Yes their mom needs more rules but other than that she is an awesome mom and friend! Now I sit here with everybody and debate what to do next!

Hurting other more.

Sitting here with Amber and Hailey wondering why? Hailey like boys sucking blood out of her neck and Amber like to throw things at people and bit! Just wait till she is 18!!!!! I am not doing anyting but writing this blog! I am gasy!!! I have farted today!

Tried to be.....

Ok so I am realizing a few things that I really feel bad about. First of all I want to apoligize too the 3 K's. I know I am a very difficult person and I have made it hard on you to keep come back. I have put emotional sterss and hardship on you over and over again! My days are coming fast to make me realize that I can't keep dragging you behind me but I need too love you the same as you have loved me! Mamma I love you dear and I don't know what I would do without you in my life. It was hard for the first 21 years and now that I got you in I am NEVER letting go!!!! Kendra I love you and that spunck you got for things! You make everyday a little brighter! You are like a mom to me because we have our fights but in the end you get in the last word! Im loving every moment of it! Kevin you are just awesome! I love having you as a Pastor Kevin! You have been like a dad to me! You are always there but don't get mad to much but when I do make you mad I do get a little scared! I added on to my tattoo "Family Forever Through Christ" You are family and through Christ is how I meet you!
Ok so through the time we've known each other I have tried to be what I needed to be and that was real! but I found out that I was not being all real! I know this is real My heart is all to God and now it is going to be different more different then you know! I am going to try is what I would say because I wouldn't promise.......but now I promise this is real!
So I sat here and kept asking God what do you want from me?? I didnt know if he wanted me to stay or to go! So I was playing a game and I looked up toward God and said "Ok God help me out I only have a few more hours....If I make it big on these slots(just a myspace game and I was winning nothing so it was more of just a hope in my mind) then I stay in Findlay but if I don't then I get on that bus at 9:50 am and go too FL." I clicked that mouse and it spun and it hit 3 keys and that means 500(that is big in the game) I hit it big! I looked up in complete shock and froze for a few minutes trying to get things together in my head! I really was in complete shock!
So this means I stay and make things better and now I know all I wanted to do was run away from the people that only help. I guess that I have never had anybody care and reach out as much as these people and I get scared that I am going to get to close and it is going to get ripped apart! But I have to do is trust in God that he always keep us together Forever!!!!!
*Family Forever*