Life without Pam

"Fine I don't want to be your friend either!" I said as I throw my phone across the room. I watched as it crashed into the wall and break into pieces. I grabbed my head and yelled for the voices to stop but they just kept screaming. My eyes welded up in tears and I tried to hold them back but next thing I know warmth came into my eyes and they started sliding down my face. I could'nt breath as i tried all I got was dizzy and finally I took myself outside to calm down but all I could think is that I wanted to cut my arms. Imaging draging a razor made me feel better. The pain and blood was such as excitment for me, it made me feel better. I stared breathing right and the tears finally stopped so I went back inside. "Mommy remember you said you were going to take me to cheerleading class?" In my mind I dont remember and I didnt feel like it "Yeah get your things around and we will leave." I said as cheerful as I could. Gosh I alreaady missed talking to her! We got into the car amd a song called "Who Says" by Selena Gomez and the tears started welding up in my eyes again. I was able to stop them till I drop my daughter. I dropped her off at the front door and went to go and park the car. Thats when I started crying again but soon enough I got myself together and went inside.

We got back to the house and I layed down and fell asleep so I didnt have to deal with this.

When my eyes opened my eyes it was 10;30am and a big slap of reality came back to me....me and Pam were not speaking. I hate this is all I could think but I just cant do it anymore. So my day went on ok till about 4pm. I was remembering when me and Pam would laugh together and once again all I felt tears come in to my eyes. "Mommy whats wrong?" I tried my hardest to tell her nothing but I for some reason couldnt answer her. I started gasping for air but I could get any. My mother started to tell me breath but nothing. I got so lightheaded that I fell over from the lack for air and energy. I finally got a little air in my lungs but not enough. My mother kept trying to get me to breath and tried to ask whats wrong but I couldnt speak. In my mind I was begging God to just take me since i cant breath anyways. I think God noticed that I was hurting because all I could feel was a hand on my head I looked around and my daughter was sitting in the seat and my mother was just looking at me. I still felt the hand on my head trying to calm me. I finally got my breath back and I begged my mom to make it stop all the pain and heartache. I wanted everything to freeze and just go back in time before I became so stupid. I curled in a ball and just layed there thinking about all we have been through. I screamed I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! Nobody knew what just happened and to me I dont understand it either myself. We got back home and weirdly my mother felt bad for me because she was very nice about things. Now I am sittin here listening to music thinking about what comes next???

God if you can hear me please make it all stop.