You gotta get up and TRY!

Do you have that one thing in your life that you keep secret never wanting to deal with it knowing that you could never forgive yourself and honestly believeing God wont either?
Jenny is mine......
She has been on my mind lately and I find myself doing more dangerous things to try and block it out but nothing seems to work because her memory is still there.
Maybe telling my story will help ease the pain and help me to ease the dreams.
Here is the story of Jenny............
I ment Jenny when I was 17. It was shortly after Marks death. Jenny had a little daughter and she was 4 years old and her name was Mikayla. She had these beautiful bright blue eyes and this bright blond hair with gorgous curls and a pretty smile. She was a cute kid to say the least. She lived about an hour away from me so I use to take trips there with my daughter. Well shortly after I met Jenny Mikayla got really sick and was told she had lukimia.
Jenny took it hard and I tried my best to go up to the hospital every chance I could.
The next 2 years where filled with appointments, hospital stays and chemo. She wasnt the kid that said "Its going to be fine mom." she was more the typical kid saying "Mom Im scared." Chemo and dyalisis took a lot out of her and pretty soon her hair started to fade and go straight and eventually started to fall out. She eyes toned down and the smile faded the more sick she got.
Jenny and I went into her room one day and she was throwing up blood. Jenny screamed for the nurses to come in and we were told to leave the room. After about what seemed like a life time they told us we could go back in and sit with her but not to long that she needed her rest. I looked at Jenny and i could tell she just wanted to fall apart. I asked her if she wanted me to go so she could have time with Mikayla. Jennys face was very pale...she looked at me and said she couldnt do this anymore. I asked what she met and she told me that she cant have a sick kid because its hurting her to see Mikayla like she is. She turned around and ran for the door. I couldnt believe she was doing this so I ran after her and eventually I tackled her to the ground and pinned her and she started screaming
"Let me go bitch when I get up ima fuck you up!"
"Go head but you cant run your daughters in there and she needs you!" I said screaming
"I cant do it anymore I cant handle it!" she managed to say over the hysterical crying.
"It hurts......" She mummbled
"How do you think Mikayla feels....she cant even run from this problem!" I said very stern
"Why her why my baby?" She said
"I dont know but she needs you more than anything right now." I said
She quite fighting me and I let her go and helped her up. we hugged and I told her that we need to go see her now.
We walked in and she looked so sick. The ouside of her eyes were red and her lips chaped and her skin was brused and turning weird colors. Even though she was sick I still saw that little girl that I grow to love. I looked over at Jenny and she was crying and I noticed that I was too. I knew in my head that she wasnt going to make it much longer and I think Jenny knew that too.
Jenny crawled in bed with Mikayla and laid there with her. I sat there till Jenny feel asleep and then I slipped out and went home.
About 5am my phone rand and I wondered who it was calling so early in the morning so I answered it and all I heard was crying.
My heart sunk into my stomach
I knew it was Jenny and I knew what she was about to tell me.
I dont think she said anything so I said that I would be there as soon as I could. Then we hung up.
I arrived at the hospital around 630am and Jenny was sitting right infront of the door to the hospital. She was rocking and singing. I asked if I could take her home and she told me that she needed to be here for Mikayla. I didnt know how to take this so I sat down next to her and grabbed her and hugged her. I rocked with her and then she started to scream.
"Oh god why my baby? What the hell did I do to you? Christiey make the pain go away please just make it ended."
by this point im in tears saying
"God wanted her and one day your going to see her and she is not going to be sick. Just hold on..."
"I cant I want her back!"
"I wish we could have her back!" I kept saying.
We sat there rocking and crying for quite some time but eventually I took her home and i stayed with her for a few days until the funural.
At the funural Jenny didnt look like she was going to make it through the funural.
When she got up to talk nothing came out....just tears.
I ran up there to get her down and I stood up and said
"Mikayla was the best!"
That is all that was said because thats all that needed to be said.
After the funural I took Jenny home. She told me that I could go home that she would be ok.
"Are you sure?" I said
"Yes! You got to get back to your daughter." she said
"Alright girl I love ya." I said
"Love ya too!" She said
She shut the door and I look at the window....there was something different about her but I wasnt quite sure...it was almost as if she was taking all this way to easy.
Didnt really think to much about it so I went home.
Five days after the funural I was sitting at home and my daughter was sick with the flu that day. Well I got a call from Jenny.
"No I cant do it I miss her to much to go on please dont be mad at me!" She screamed over the phone.
"Jenny clam down and talk to me." I said trying to be as sane as I can.
"Please come here now I need you." She said
"Can I come tomorrow my daughter is sick and I dont want to drag her out of the house." I said
"It will be to late." She said
"What are you talking about?" I said
"Just come I really need you!" She said
"I cant today my daughter is sick." I lash at her.
We talked for over and hour and her voice started to trail off. I asked her why she was getting so quiet.
She then said
"Im sorry but Mikayla needs me."
I asked her what she did but got no responce and all I could hear was gurgling sound. I knew she did something so I hung up the phone and since she didnt hang I couldnjt get her off the line. I jumped up and ran cross the street to call from a different phone. I called 911 and told them what happened.
I sat there and waited hitting my head thinging why didnt i just go over there.
There was a knock on the door. I got up and saw that there was 2 police officers standing there.
I opened the door very slowly. They asked if I was Christianna Vasquez and I told them yes and they took off there hats and as they were doing that I screamed at the to put them back on....by this time i knew what they were going to tell me and I didnt want to hear it but soon enough they told me Jenny was dead...she over dosed while we were on the phone.Jenny and Mikayla were dead.
I blame myself for her death because I could have stopped her if I would have gotten into my car and went over! I knew she was having a hard time with Mikaylas death.....To this day I pound my head against the wall knowing that if I were to drive there she would still be alive today.....I can never forgive myself for this selfish act and I dont believe God will forgive me either. She even warned me it was going to be to late.
Now you have heard my story....
                                                   

Am I alone in this fight?

" I cant be involved in your life anymore."
"What did I do? I havent done drugs and I am not pregnant. Ive been good!"
Everything went silent.
My mind raced I didnt know what just happened. My heart sunk to my stomach.
Not again please please no not again.
I ran upstairs where my mother was sleeping I screamed out
"why does she hate me so much, mom I didnt do anything this time! Mom please tell me why she hates me?" I asked hoping she would answer me. In tears hysterically crying begging my mother for an answer. "Christiey I dont know why you keep talking to her she is always doing this to you!" Mom I dont understand I screamed crying hysterically what is it about me that she hates so much?
I fell to the floor and tried to scream to get out some frustration but nothing came out. My mother got out of bed and got down to the floor and hugged me  and said to calm down I begged with her to say it was ok to kill myself but she just kept saying things will get better. WE sat there and rocked and she rubbed my head and just kept saying things will get better.

I keep asking will it?

Life without Pam

"Fine I don't want to be your friend either!" I said as I throw my phone across the room. I watched as it crashed into the wall and break into pieces. I grabbed my head and yelled for the voices to stop but they just kept screaming. My eyes welded up in tears and I tried to hold them back but next thing I know warmth came into my eyes and they started sliding down my face. I could'nt breath as i tried all I got was dizzy and finally I took myself outside to calm down but all I could think is that I wanted to cut my arms. Imaging draging a razor made me feel better. The pain and blood was such as excitment for me, it made me feel better. I stared breathing right and the tears finally stopped so I went back inside. "Mommy remember you said you were going to take me to cheerleading class?" In my mind I dont remember and I didnt feel like it "Yeah get your things around and we will leave." I said as cheerful as I could. Gosh I alreaady missed talking to her! We got into the car amd a song called "Who Says" by Selena Gomez and the tears started welding up in my eyes again. I was able to stop them till I drop my daughter. I dropped her off at the front door and went to go and park the car. Thats when I started crying again but soon enough I got myself together and went inside.

We got back to the house and I layed down and fell asleep so I didnt have to deal with this.

When my eyes opened my eyes it was 10;30am and a big slap of reality came back to me....me and Pam were not speaking. I hate this is all I could think but I just cant do it anymore. So my day went on ok till about 4pm. I was remembering when me and Pam would laugh together and once again all I felt tears come in to my eyes. "Mommy whats wrong?" I tried my hardest to tell her nothing but I for some reason couldnt answer her. I started gasping for air but I could get any. My mother started to tell me breath but nothing. I got so lightheaded that I fell over from the lack for air and energy. I finally got a little air in my lungs but not enough. My mother kept trying to get me to breath and tried to ask whats wrong but I couldnt speak. In my mind I was begging God to just take me since i cant breath anyways. I think God noticed that I was hurting because all I could feel was a hand on my head I looked around and my daughter was sitting in the seat and my mother was just looking at me. I still felt the hand on my head trying to calm me. I finally got my breath back and I begged my mom to make it stop all the pain and heartache. I wanted everything to freeze and just go back in time before I became so stupid. I curled in a ball and just layed there thinking about all we have been through. I screamed I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! Nobody knew what just happened and to me I dont understand it either myself. We got back home and weirdly my mother felt bad for me because she was very nice about things. Now I am sittin here listening to music thinking about what comes next???

God if you can hear me please make it all stop.