Is It Me or Do We All Notice????

Depression............

Why do we become so depressed????

I keep asking God why am I so depressed all the time???

I am one of your children why do you make me like this????

But on the other hand He made me but satan is making me depressed.

It does not really have to do with the LORD.

My live is not that bad but the begining of July I became depressed due to living arrangments.

I felt as if I was trapped

Like every little thing I did was wrong

Everytime I turned my head I was getting yelled at about something I did.

I kept trying to hold on but it was so hard.

I was not use to things like:

*Rules

*No swearing

*Acting right

*Taking orders

It was hard and all I felt like was that

I could not do anything right

That I was a lost cause

and that nobody really even wanted me around

So what did I think of???

Suicide was always on my mind.

I hated feling this depressed and I always thought to myself would anybody really miss me if I really went through with it???

Would anybody even really care?

This depression as not only hurting me but

was getting me into trouble!

I didnt know how to deal....

but on the other side they did not know

how to deal with a person as badly depessed as I am!

So we both are helping each other to understand more

of how things work!

I was on shacky ground or a while

but I have climbed up this hill that seemed to be mud.
I have not got to the top yet but I am getting there.

Since then I have matured.

I have noticed in myself that I have......

I think that is what God wanted me to get out of this place

To grow more mature as an adult and christan!

Now let me say that I am still very immature but

but a lot better that when I first came here.

I am getting better at this rule thing and I am trying to stay away from

the old friends right now due to

the lack of intellegence when I am with them.

So now Kendra and I are the best of friends now

before we could not get along but I think it might have been

because of my stubborness!

She is one of a kind and the only friend I really have!

I want to say thank you for all your

*Constant bickering for me to not do thing that are stupid

*For your caring

*For all the times you have told me to act like an adult

*For your stubborness

*And for sharing God with me!

Believe it or not you are the only person that has always been there

No matter how many ups and downs

you never ignored me

You always acknowleadge that I was at least in the room!

And for that

I thank you and

"I CAN'T ASK FOR A BETTER FRIEND!"

That is what is on my mind!

Peace out for the night!

-Aidey-

My Story

Ok so I heard that on Sunday Kevin told people to write out their story. Well I am going to write a little more of my story starting back a little ways to when I was twelve and the first time I met him....Big Alfe! I will try not to make it to long.

I met Big Alfie at a place we called Smoker Corner
and all my friends and I would meet up there after school and smoke ciggs or weed. Did not matter but when the cops drove by we were gone in about 1/2 second. This is the very place where I got into a fight(not my first one but one I will never forget) and the cops came and I was going to get arrested but some guy came and told them that I did not start it and I did not hit this chick. Well The cops uncuffed and told me that they did not want to see my face around there again. I ran away but this guy caught up with me and told me his name was Big Alfie. Well we ended up dating and about two weeks of dating he started abusing me physically, mentally and sexually. During that time that we dated I got into drugs. Some drugs where hardcore drugs.










Around that same time I went into a deep depression and I just did not know how to deal with this depression so I started cutting to deal with the pain that was inside myself. Seeing the blood help calm me down but the pain did too. It made me feel like I was normal because I could actually feel like I was alive. That blood were my tears....since I could not ever cry. And there were may suicide attemps to go with the depression I had.






My life with drugs, alcohol and sex evenually got me pregnat at only fourteen years old. I had my daughter May 28, 2002. With this new suprise I cut back on drinking and drugs and Big Alfie had moved to Florida(where he was born and raised). When I was seventeen I had a very good friend kill herself because of the death of her daughter from an illness. I also got a job working at a nursing home full time. At this time I was not living at home and I had taken a oath to not do drugs again(and I have not). My daughter and I had a small apartment in Bryan and she started preschool. Things got very hectic and I dropped out to spend some time with my daughter but later found out that I was pregnant(by now I was working in a factory). I had to give my job up due to the pregnancy.......June 24,2005.



Well when I turned 20 I was very unstable. I could not find work because I had been through so many jobs and I was not mentally in the right mind. I figured that maybe I could change if I moved. So I moved to Findlay.....WOW



We I stayed on the streets for about 3 weeks til the big flood hit and then a friend took me in and I lived with her til I met a lady who I dated.



This lady was an alcoholic and a mean drunk. She hit me and throw things at me and said some mean things. She was a skinny person so I never really hit her back. But one day she throw my daughter and that was the last time I lived with her. Later I started dating another lady and she had three kids and I thought this was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.




Then one day we were at the bar when she decided to invite my ex(the alcoholic) up to the bar. We announced our engagement and then all the sudden she showed up. We talked and then got into a fight we that night my girlfriend at the time beat her up and she reported it and we had a problems on your hands. I ended up taking the blame for it so she would not get into any trouble to lose her kids. At that time I was so madly inlove with her. We did not stay together long after that. She ended up kicking me out the same time a friend was mad a me and told me I could not stay there. I started living on the streets again. It was horrable it was winter and I didnt know what to do. I had never been homeless in the winter but I found my way through it by the kindness of the bars.



I started drinking and finding out that guys like it when you pay attention to them. I started a three month drinking bindge. I would go to the bar and hustle guys to get me drinks so I could become drunk enough to sleep with them so Icould have a nice warm bed to sleep in for the night. I thought it was a small price to pay for a bed. I was nice to have attention for once in my life and it was nice not to be eating out of dumpsters and not sleeping on a bench or under a bridge.





Then one day after sleeping in a truck stop and not showering for three day I was walking down the road back to the bar when I came upon a sign







For some reason I could not ignore this sign so I started looing for this church. I finally found it and was hesitent to actually go in but I finally did thanks to Josh McRoberts. I got some coffee and dicided that I was not going to get coffee and run so I went into the part where they were having church.



The first song to come on was "Does anybody hear her" and I started to cry. The tears ACTUAL TEAR CAME POURING OUT OF MY EYES!

I turned my head so nobody could see me crying I had an image to keep(lol). I listened to Kevin preach and it all was to much to handle but it was an amazing teaching. That day I actually did not go to the bar. I started up go back to the bar and on January 25,2009 I talked with Pastor Kevin and told him everything that was going on in my life and that I needed help.....very bad! He asked me one question.......Do you want to except Christ in your life?.......Wow I really was not expecting that but in my head I did! So I said yes and we prayed. They kept me in a hotel for about a week an a half then got me an apartment.

My mental health was not in good condition at all this time and I would give into drinkning and cutting. But I read my Bible and studied.



One day I got mad at a person and decided I was going to take some pills right infront of her to try and piss her off. Well she took me home and I ended up going to the hospital when I swore at this lady and called her a bunch of name and was just down right mean to her. Well I ended up in a mental hospital and everyday this woman came to see me. She did not take what I said to her in the emergency room to heart because everyday she was there!



They we decided it might be good for me to try Teen Challenge. That did not work out but it was a great learning experience.



After I left Teen Challenge I when back to Bryan to live and that got me back into a very deep depression! I did not want to go back and I could not believe that these people would even think about taking me!!!




When I first came back to Bryan I did not want to talk to any of theses people so I didn't! Then when I finally did I said some hurtful things because I was so mad! But I got over it and we started talking again.




About a month and a half later I cam back to Findlay. I stayed with a friend and after coming back I was hurt by some people and I was so mad I decided that I was not going to do this "God thing" and started living my old life again. One person was never happy talking to me and the other tried to be but I know she was not. I had even missed two sundays of church and that felt kinda weird concidering I had been to church every sunday for the last few months.



That lasted for about two weeks then I slowly started getting back on track. So things were going ok but they place I was living was a danger because the woman that lived there was crazy.


After a while I was offered a much better place to live. I accepted!!!!





The thing is I did not realize how hard it was going to be to live there. See I have not had rules since I was like twelve. Now I have them.





I started going into a depression and a pretty bad one. I kept to myself for about two days. I was not really seen and I was not eating I was just downstairs crying. I didn't think I could do it any longer.



Things started to look up as time passed. I am getting better at this "rule thing" and not blurting out dumb things. These people are awesome for sharing their amazing home with me.

These people are awesome and

THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS ENOUGH.......

This is all for my story I am going to end with a God Bless............Aidey

Stranger things will happen!

Today was going to be nice as the family left and I was left here so I can finish up my studies for the day......but something tells me that what it is in this house does not want me to finish.

The family walk out the door and I started getting my things out to do my studies........I read maybe a sentence out of the book I am reading then I heard a knock at the door so I went over an answered it. To my surprise there was nobody there. I assumed that it took me too long to answer and they took off. But as soon as I sat down the bell rang again so I got back up and went to the door and opened and again there was nobody there. This time I thought kids were now just messing around. The bell rang again......ok by now I am getting a little annoyed.......I got up as fast as I could and went to the door and once again there was nobody there. So Now I am wanting to catch who this person is. I took my things and sat on a chair in the other room next to the window......now I can see who is coming to the door. I sat there and the bell never rang after that.

Now as I am working on my third book I hear a knock at the door leading into the house from the garage. Now my heart was pounding..........the garage door was shut and unless this person was in the garage or knew the code there was no way this person could be in there. Now thinking there a killer in the house I grabbed a knife and my cell phone and headed toward the garage. I opened the door and the garage door was still shut so this person was in here when I shut it...right after the family left. I looked around to find nobody so I started to scream "show yourself!" only thinking to myself "who in the world is going to show themselves when they are trying to be all secret." I looked around the garage and moved things around and found nobody. Ok so now I just thought I am hearing things. I went back inside and sat down back to my studies when again the knock came back. I opened the door now very mad......not caring really what was going to happen.........I just wanted to know what all was going on!!! Once again nobody was there! I went back in the house and fell to my knees and prayed to God and asked Him for an answer to this!

As I was kneeing there pray all the sudden I start I am guessing sweating. Now I am scared because I am not even hot.....I am actually pretty cold from the air being on .......I start pray harder and the more I pray the more the sweat come out. The LORD finally said
"Go wash and clean yourself."
I got up and noticed that all my clothes are wet everything I am wearing is wet. My socks, my shirts, my pants and even my hair!
I got up and went to the shower and washed.
I got out and I felt fresh and cleansed!

Wow what is going on? He never said but I believe that He is here and wont let anything touch me if I believe!

I am letting God take this and just help me.
Praise God for His awesomeness!

Imperfection

I am sitting here eating ice cream that had already been lick and also licked by the dog. I am also using a computer that I should not be using. My teeth hurt from not taking care of them I guess. My wrist hurt from not following my doctors orders. I yelled at a good friend because I feel abandon by her absence. I am very weak in a friendship because of the truth and I am also mad at people and they don't even know I am mad at them but with the snippy remarks I think maybe they are catching on.
Now comes my point........I am saved.....I have it tattooed on my hand!
Now look at all the things I am not doing right.
I look and I thank God that he did make me imperfect!
Imagine if we all were make perfect how boring life would be???
I actually enjoy learning from my mistakes and thanking God everyday for a new one!
I get so scared thinking that my depression will get the best of me but then I stop and think and I got something I didn't have before............GOD...........and he will get me through this and I will come out stronger!
I can then thank God for making me suffer! NO JOKE!!!
We actually never realize this but thanking Him for making you suffer through something is a great deal!
We should all do it more often!
In my mind I see it as this.....there are 2 different types of suffering
Non-Christ suffering and With Christ suffering......
The only difference between these is that I have God on my side!
That means even when I feel alone I know I am NOT.....GOD is always there!
But without Him you are alone and that is why we see people on the drugs and people becoming alcoholics and even people committing suicide.........It is a scary thing but it does happen!
I have lost 2 great friends too suicide.........
It does not just hurt their family it hurts the people that have always been there too.!
Even though a good friend of mine killer herself 5 years ago it still hurt even to this day!
I use to deal with the pain by cutting and by drinking but it really never completely made it stop hurting!
Now that I am saved and have found new ways to suffer.....
I look to GOD to help me through it!
I still have thoughts about her and I do cry over it too and sometimes I just want to go and see her but I know in the Lake of Fire I won't see her!
So I start to cry out for GOD to help me and get me through all of this!
I notice that each time He does help me!
And i can start praising Him not only for helping me get through the depression but also for making me go through the hard time because in the end He has made me so much stronger and each time I can stand a little bit higher!
I am going to end this by asking you this one question.............
What kind of sufferer are you?