What am I truly thankful for well there is so much! I am thankful for a grandma who loved me no matter how bad I was and never quit believing in me! She was there for me no matter how mad she was at me.
I am thankful for my daughter who loves me even though I am not a very good mom. I am so glad I can make her laugh because her laugh is priceless. I give thanks that she does not care that I am a very different person!
I am thankful for friends some are Beth who is there to let me just be me and still loves me enough to rub my feet soon :) and Renee who has been with me through a lot in the short time I have known her. Who sat with me at the hospital when I was in the coma and to answer my annoying phone calls every single day. Jenny who loves me just well I dont know why we dont have much in common(you should hear some of the music she tortures my ears with) but we can chat it up about hugs and yogurt. We have known each other for 14 years..OMGOSH I am getting old!(Jenny is already there:))!!! Marta who is just an amazing person in general and her cakes are AWESOME! Interesting fact about our friendship Marta annoyed me when we first met and now that I love her so much I bet its the other way around! lol! I am thankful for beinging reunited with Turkey! I have not talked to her in years. It was great catching up. And Josh(from SC) who always gave me foot rubs! I miss ya! Jane I didnt forget about you and I am thankful for our interesting times together! I am also thankful for my friend Deb she has just always been awesome to me!
I am thankful for family Gina who took me into her home when I needed it and just love me. Jenessa who is so awesome to be around! Sonya who loves me even though I always have to comment on her big forehead.
I am thankful for new friends such as Sara who doesnt know me very well and that maybe a good thing but still talks to me...maybe there is hope :) and Jodi who well does the same thing.
I am also thankful for not losing my whole memory.
I am thankful for being able to rejoice for my grandma and I am very thankful to have known her! I am thankful to have known Melissa!
So in conclusion......Thanks everybody for just being a friend.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Dream of Jesus
Dreams are like lives that we live as we sleep and also can be a message from God. For the last few months my dreams are nothing but nightmears. When I sleep its like I am in a horror movie and no not like friday the 13 with freddy these dreams are so much more different. I have become scared of them and I have even called friends to see if they were ok after I had a bad dream about them. About a month ago I started praying to God to take them away and about a week and a half of being more specific about what I want healing on. The other night I had an amazing dream yet it started out scary it ended in peace.
The first thing I remember of the dream is being in a corn field when I heard a friend of mine screaming my name. I start running through this field trying to find my friend and by her screams I know she is introuble. When I finally found her she was trapped in the arms of such a familiar looking charater. This lady(I think she is a lady)with stringy white hair and her mouth is always the color of blood and her teeth are like a dingy grey and pointy. Her eyes are a pale blue and her skin is like a white but grey color. She wears like a long robe looking thing. She is in so many of my dreams and when she stares at me it makes me freeze in fright. But anyways back to the dream. She had a hold of my friend and in this dream I needed to save my friend so I started running towards her scareming to let go of my friend but with every step I took closer to her she would take two steps back. The faster I ran the slower I became. I felt myself stop and I stared and she raised a sharp object and plunged it into my friend. I started running again to get to her and help her but I couldnt run fast enough. The screams my friend let out pirced through my heart like a knife. I wanted to save my friend so bad I couldnt and I just kept running and screaming. I finally started to get closer but I could see my friend was hurt very bad. Blood everywhere but she was still calling out for me and I kept running and I was almost in arms reach and the evil lady took the sharp object and drug it across my friends neck. I then stopped and stared as she throw my friends bleeding body to the ground with this nasty smile on her face. I shook off the stiffness and ran to my friend but she was gone and I remember asking God right there "Whats Happening?" The fear started to well up inside and I looked around to see if I could see her anywhere. I told my lifeless friend that not to worry I would be back for her. I got up and walked. My emotions where overwhelming and running was just not possible. I was looking hard for the road so I could just go and get help and all this way I am walking I am asking God to show me the way. I went in a circle because I came back to where my friend was. I realized then I am not going to get out of this corn field. Out of the cornor of my eye I saw something move so I turned my head to see if I could see and then like a bird this lady came right out of the sky and landed right next to me. I didnt know that fear was so strong and even though I was terrified I started screaming again asking what she wanted and who she was and then finally I lundge at her to hit her because I was so mad. But I couldnt even get close to her to hit her. She told me that she was the holder of my dreams then she started screaming something in a different lauguage. Then all the sudden her eyes went from pale blue to just black....the whole eye. Somehow I was understanding what she was saying now....I am Lucifer.....is what she was saying. I was petrafide and took off running asking God to get me out of this nightmear. I promised God I would be a better Christian please just get me out of here. Once again she came out of the sky and landed right in front of me and the expression "scared stiff" was so true at this time. She then raised her arm and I guess knocked me out because there was a short period where there was nothing. I woke up in this meddow. I have dreamed about this place before and it is so beautiful. The greenest tall grass and pretty purple flowers all over and hills. The sun shine and the tempurture is just right. I got up knowing I was still dreaming. Then I heard a voice asking me if it was beautiful. I answered "YES"
Then the voice said "Wouldnt it be awesome if you could spend eternaity here"
"It would be and to bring my daughter here and show her would be awesome! She would love it!" I said
" Then all you have to do it make her and sleep forever and all this will be yours!" the voice said.
"What do you mean?" I said very concerned
"DEATH!" The voice shouted
My heart sank to the ground and said "No Never! God is the only one who is allowed to take me! GO away please just leave me alone!!!!" Next thing I started being lifted off the ground. I then asked God to protect me and if I would going to die in this dream make it quick. I was lifted so high I could see for miles and the beauty was amazing!
The voice asked "Dont you want all this for yourself?"
I looked all around and for a slight minute I did but I shouted "NO!" I also shouted "In Jesus' name you will put me back on the ground!"
Then it go really dark and cloudes started to come in. It started raining and then lighting and next thundering. I was scared that I was going to get hit by lightning until I started falling. I was falling in slow motion but I knew that I might die from this fall. On my down I ask God to take care of my little girl. I didnt know what all was going to happen. I looked under me and saw the ground coming and said one last thing to God before I hit the ground......God help me! When I hit it felt as if I broke every bone in my body. The pain was so intense that I wanted to cry but I just couldnt. Then the pain started going away slowly and thats when I realized that where I couldnt feel pain I couldnt move that part. I laid there as the rain fell on me. I turned my head trying not to drownd from the heavy rain. The only light I had was when the lightning would flash. I laid there thinking about my life and what I have done in it that would be pleasing to God. For some reason I really thought I was going to lay here and I was going to die. Even though its a dream it was an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be my last dream. As I looked to my side I saw a piece of land and sky that had light....day light. No rain just like before the rain started. There was a light like a dot in that piece of land and it was moving closer. When it got close to me I noticed what that little light dot was. I starred in amazment. I asked myself "Could it really be Him?"
He answered "It is I Jesus."
I couldnt believe what I was seeing. I felt the fear run from my body as he stood there and smiled at me. I felt so safe like I was rescued and a sigh of relieve came out. He then told me to stand up and at my shock I could move. I got up with absoulutly no pain.
He said "Christianna I am here to save you. To tell you that your faith is great and my Father is pleased with you. You have an amazing gift and my Father has told me that He would like you to use it more."
"What gift?" I said
"Your words you express on paper." He said to me.
"Forget about the writing why am I tortured with these dreams? Jesus I just want peace while I sleep." I expressed fighting back the tears.
"Im just so frusturated with the nightmears please can they stop!" I said trying to fight back screaming and cry and just wanting to lose it.
"Its ok to cry." He said to me
"I cant. Im in the presants of Jesus I dont want to be all a mess!" I said
"I have seen you at your worse and let me tell you this....The Father has heard your prayers and He will answer them in His timing. The dreams will end but not right now. They will get easier but just hold on to that prayer. I also have a message for you. Just keep searching and you will find your way!" He said
I started crying as soon as He said that because for those who dont know thats what my grandma use to say that to me. He came up to me and just held me while I cried.
Soon I felt that he was no long her physically holding on to me anymore so I looked up and noticed I was on the doorstep to my grandmas old house. I got up and rang the door bell and I wanted to fall to my knees when I saw it was my grandma who opened the door. She opened to the door and for the first time since her death I was able to give her a hug. A prayer I prayed was just wanting to give my grandma one last hug. She said to me "I love you but its time to wake up!" I said "NO!" God knew I didnt want to wake up but next thing I know I was up and it was peace. Thats my dream. Now that I know God really notices me I know things will be different. I praise God that the last couple of days my dreams have been pretty peaceful!
The first thing I remember of the dream is being in a corn field when I heard a friend of mine screaming my name. I start running through this field trying to find my friend and by her screams I know she is introuble. When I finally found her she was trapped in the arms of such a familiar looking charater. This lady(I think she is a lady)with stringy white hair and her mouth is always the color of blood and her teeth are like a dingy grey and pointy. Her eyes are a pale blue and her skin is like a white but grey color. She wears like a long robe looking thing. She is in so many of my dreams and when she stares at me it makes me freeze in fright. But anyways back to the dream. She had a hold of my friend and in this dream I needed to save my friend so I started running towards her scareming to let go of my friend but with every step I took closer to her she would take two steps back. The faster I ran the slower I became. I felt myself stop and I stared and she raised a sharp object and plunged it into my friend. I started running again to get to her and help her but I couldnt run fast enough. The screams my friend let out pirced through my heart like a knife. I wanted to save my friend so bad I couldnt and I just kept running and screaming. I finally started to get closer but I could see my friend was hurt very bad. Blood everywhere but she was still calling out for me and I kept running and I was almost in arms reach and the evil lady took the sharp object and drug it across my friends neck. I then stopped and stared as she throw my friends bleeding body to the ground with this nasty smile on her face. I shook off the stiffness and ran to my friend but she was gone and I remember asking God right there "Whats Happening?" The fear started to well up inside and I looked around to see if I could see her anywhere. I told my lifeless friend that not to worry I would be back for her. I got up and walked. My emotions where overwhelming and running was just not possible. I was looking hard for the road so I could just go and get help and all this way I am walking I am asking God to show me the way. I went in a circle because I came back to where my friend was. I realized then I am not going to get out of this corn field. Out of the cornor of my eye I saw something move so I turned my head to see if I could see and then like a bird this lady came right out of the sky and landed right next to me. I didnt know that fear was so strong and even though I was terrified I started screaming again asking what she wanted and who she was and then finally I lundge at her to hit her because I was so mad. But I couldnt even get close to her to hit her. She told me that she was the holder of my dreams then she started screaming something in a different lauguage. Then all the sudden her eyes went from pale blue to just black....the whole eye. Somehow I was understanding what she was saying now....I am Lucifer.....is what she was saying. I was petrafide and took off running asking God to get me out of this nightmear. I promised God I would be a better Christian please just get me out of here. Once again she came out of the sky and landed right in front of me and the expression "scared stiff" was so true at this time. She then raised her arm and I guess knocked me out because there was a short period where there was nothing. I woke up in this meddow. I have dreamed about this place before and it is so beautiful. The greenest tall grass and pretty purple flowers all over and hills. The sun shine and the tempurture is just right. I got up knowing I was still dreaming. Then I heard a voice asking me if it was beautiful. I answered "YES"
Then the voice said "Wouldnt it be awesome if you could spend eternaity here"
"It would be and to bring my daughter here and show her would be awesome! She would love it!" I said
" Then all you have to do it make her and sleep forever and all this will be yours!" the voice said.
"What do you mean?" I said very concerned
"DEATH!" The voice shouted
My heart sank to the ground and said "No Never! God is the only one who is allowed to take me! GO away please just leave me alone!!!!" Next thing I started being lifted off the ground. I then asked God to protect me and if I would going to die in this dream make it quick. I was lifted so high I could see for miles and the beauty was amazing!
The voice asked "Dont you want all this for yourself?"
I looked all around and for a slight minute I did but I shouted "NO!" I also shouted "In Jesus' name you will put me back on the ground!"
Then it go really dark and cloudes started to come in. It started raining and then lighting and next thundering. I was scared that I was going to get hit by lightning until I started falling. I was falling in slow motion but I knew that I might die from this fall. On my down I ask God to take care of my little girl. I didnt know what all was going to happen. I looked under me and saw the ground coming and said one last thing to God before I hit the ground......God help me! When I hit it felt as if I broke every bone in my body. The pain was so intense that I wanted to cry but I just couldnt. Then the pain started going away slowly and thats when I realized that where I couldnt feel pain I couldnt move that part. I laid there as the rain fell on me. I turned my head trying not to drownd from the heavy rain. The only light I had was when the lightning would flash. I laid there thinking about my life and what I have done in it that would be pleasing to God. For some reason I really thought I was going to lay here and I was going to die. Even though its a dream it was an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be my last dream. As I looked to my side I saw a piece of land and sky that had light....day light. No rain just like before the rain started. There was a light like a dot in that piece of land and it was moving closer. When it got close to me I noticed what that little light dot was. I starred in amazment. I asked myself "Could it really be Him?"
He answered "It is I Jesus."
I couldnt believe what I was seeing. I felt the fear run from my body as he stood there and smiled at me. I felt so safe like I was rescued and a sigh of relieve came out. He then told me to stand up and at my shock I could move. I got up with absoulutly no pain.
He said "Christianna I am here to save you. To tell you that your faith is great and my Father is pleased with you. You have an amazing gift and my Father has told me that He would like you to use it more."
"What gift?" I said
"Your words you express on paper." He said to me.
"Forget about the writing why am I tortured with these dreams? Jesus I just want peace while I sleep." I expressed fighting back the tears.
"Im just so frusturated with the nightmears please can they stop!" I said trying to fight back screaming and cry and just wanting to lose it.
"Its ok to cry." He said to me
"I cant. Im in the presants of Jesus I dont want to be all a mess!" I said
"I have seen you at your worse and let me tell you this....The Father has heard your prayers and He will answer them in His timing. The dreams will end but not right now. They will get easier but just hold on to that prayer. I also have a message for you. Just keep searching and you will find your way!" He said
I started crying as soon as He said that because for those who dont know thats what my grandma use to say that to me. He came up to me and just held me while I cried.
Soon I felt that he was no long her physically holding on to me anymore so I looked up and noticed I was on the doorstep to my grandmas old house. I got up and rang the door bell and I wanted to fall to my knees when I saw it was my grandma who opened the door. She opened to the door and for the first time since her death I was able to give her a hug. A prayer I prayed was just wanting to give my grandma one last hug. She said to me "I love you but its time to wake up!" I said "NO!" God knew I didnt want to wake up but next thing I know I was up and it was peace. Thats my dream. Now that I know God really notices me I know things will be different. I praise God that the last couple of days my dreams have been pretty peaceful!
Monday, February 4, 2013
I dont wana do it all alone
Pills, promises, friends and choices are a part of my life. Lets break this all down.
Pills: I take 7 different pills each day for what well I am a pretty sick person but not pysically more like mental. I am crazy but I think thats why God loves me so much! Now taking pills everyday comes with great responsibility to be incharge enough to take them everyday.
Im so not perfect and yes sometimes I do forget to take them because it really does slip my mind and sometimes I just dont feel like take them but thats a choice but we will get to that in a few. There are ups and downs to taking meds. It makes you feel good and then you got the side effects yuck! Is it ok to get addicted to your everyday pills? I know this is how feel when I dont take them
In my mind getting off them makes we think it will be like this
FREE! Does it make sence??? God said bacially we shouldnt take mind altering things.....would my mental pills be a part of that because it does alter my mind.....so would drinking and getting high be the same with getting addicted to your everyday pills? Thats something to think about on to the next......
Promises: What is a promise???? a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. So I have made some promises to no drink, take my meds, no sugar daddys and that I will not text people saying I wana cut. Sound resonable.....if only people knew. Well let me tell you something that is wrong with this....I promised. If you read James 5:12 it says "My brothers and sisters above all DO NOT use an oath when you make a promise. Dont use the name heaven earth or anything else to prove what you say. When you mean yes say only yes and when you say no say only no so you will not be judged guilty." (NCV)
I am guilty because I made promises that I couldnt keep. In my mind I would have kept them at that one time but we got to keep remembering WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND WILL NEVER BE TIL WE ARE HOME WITH GOD! It was not even fair of me to promise anything because we NEVER know only God does!
Friends: This is a hard topic for me. For me its hard for me to make friends. Let me explain to you about me......I am so use to being alone that I dont know how to be a good friend....now thats not an excuse its the truth! I grow up with mental illnesses that really kept everybody away. I never stayed on my meds and never did I ever feel like dealing with it. It wasnt til I came to South Carolina where I started trying.
To all my friends I write this:
Its been a trip...longer for some people. I know I have my ups and downs but just keep walking with me I am almost there. I may fall and there is God to pick me up to keep going but I need you to keep encouraging. I am dealing with me just as much as you are and just dont give up because I need you. I will do wrong but dont handing me a bag of conciquences because thats Gods job. I would never ask you to forget me being mean but please forgive me because I really dont want to be mean but that also comes with choices which we will get to next. IM TRYING SO HARD! Please dont just look at the bad moment open your mind and remember the first time you met me....now look at me....am i worse or better? One bad moment please dont use it against me. I love all of you and remember that I still learning what having friends is all about because back in Ohio I never had friends. Love Aidey
Soon we will be like this
Choices: This is a big one...Choices! Everyday we make choices all day everyday! Sometimes we make good choices but sometimes we make bad choices. The thing about choices is that eventually we are going to make a bad one because we are not perfect. When I choose not to take my pills I am more than likely making a bad one. When I choose to be mean I am also making a bad one. Ok so now that we know I make some bad choices lets turn it around...what are some good choices I make? I choose to believe in God, I choose to open the door for friends which it extreamly hard for me, I choose to shower which is a yay GOD! lol! Let me tell you a little story
I choose the last two nights no to take my pills ok so now I have made a bad choice and broken a promise to a friend. Ok so now i need to be punish....What are the punishments for this well lets look at this...I made a friend mad and now she dont trust me and she probably wont let me back at her house, I feel like i could just go cut, I cry because Im so frusterated that I feel like nobody wants to even see i am trying. NOT A GOOD DAY! So it was a bad choice but its a lessoned learned! Should I be condemed to hell for this bad choice....probably....I hope God sees mercy and grace. Mercy is not getting something we deserve and grace is getting something we dont deserve....God chooses to give us mercy and grace....Thank you God. So I am going to leaving with this one request...........look back on that last couple of days and see what God has chosen to give you mercy and grace on and then just Thank Him!
Pills: I take 7 different pills each day for what well I am a pretty sick person but not pysically more like mental. I am crazy but I think thats why God loves me so much! Now taking pills everyday comes with great responsibility to be incharge enough to take them everyday.
Im so not perfect and yes sometimes I do forget to take them because it really does slip my mind and sometimes I just dont feel like take them but thats a choice but we will get to that in a few. There are ups and downs to taking meds. It makes you feel good and then you got the side effects yuck! Is it ok to get addicted to your everyday pills? I know this is how feel when I dont take themIn my mind getting off them makes we think it will be like this
FREE! Does it make sence??? God said bacially we shouldnt take mind altering things.....would my mental pills be a part of that because it does alter my mind.....so would drinking and getting high be the same with getting addicted to your everyday pills? Thats something to think about on to the next......
Promises: What is a promise???? a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. So I have made some promises to no drink, take my meds, no sugar daddys and that I will not text people saying I wana cut. Sound resonable.....if only people knew. Well let me tell you something that is wrong with this....I promised. If you read James 5:12 it says "My brothers and sisters above all DO NOT use an oath when you make a promise. Dont use the name heaven earth or anything else to prove what you say. When you mean yes say only yes and when you say no say only no so you will not be judged guilty." (NCV)
I am guilty because I made promises that I couldnt keep. In my mind I would have kept them at that one time but we got to keep remembering WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND WILL NEVER BE TIL WE ARE HOME WITH GOD! It was not even fair of me to promise anything because we NEVER know only God does!
Friends: This is a hard topic for me. For me its hard for me to make friends. Let me explain to you about me......I am so use to being alone that I dont know how to be a good friend....now thats not an excuse its the truth! I grow up with mental illnesses that really kept everybody away. I never stayed on my meds and never did I ever feel like dealing with it. It wasnt til I came to South Carolina where I started trying.
To all my friends I write this:
Its been a trip...longer for some people. I know I have my ups and downs but just keep walking with me I am almost there. I may fall and there is God to pick me up to keep going but I need you to keep encouraging. I am dealing with me just as much as you are and just dont give up because I need you. I will do wrong but dont handing me a bag of conciquences because thats Gods job. I would never ask you to forget me being mean but please forgive me because I really dont want to be mean but that also comes with choices which we will get to next. IM TRYING SO HARD! Please dont just look at the bad moment open your mind and remember the first time you met me....now look at me....am i worse or better? One bad moment please dont use it against me. I love all of you and remember that I still learning what having friends is all about because back in Ohio I never had friends. Love Aidey
Soon we will be like this
Choices: This is a big one...Choices! Everyday we make choices all day everyday! Sometimes we make good choices but sometimes we make bad choices. The thing about choices is that eventually we are going to make a bad one because we are not perfect. When I choose not to take my pills I am more than likely making a bad one. When I choose to be mean I am also making a bad one. Ok so now that we know I make some bad choices lets turn it around...what are some good choices I make? I choose to believe in God, I choose to open the door for friends which it extreamly hard for me, I choose to shower which is a yay GOD! lol! Let me tell you a little story
I choose the last two nights no to take my pills ok so now I have made a bad choice and broken a promise to a friend. Ok so now i need to be punish....What are the punishments for this well lets look at this...I made a friend mad and now she dont trust me and she probably wont let me back at her house, I feel like i could just go cut, I cry because Im so frusterated that I feel like nobody wants to even see i am trying. NOT A GOOD DAY! So it was a bad choice but its a lessoned learned! Should I be condemed to hell for this bad choice....probably....I hope God sees mercy and grace. Mercy is not getting something we deserve and grace is getting something we dont deserve....God chooses to give us mercy and grace....Thank you God. So I am going to leaving with this one request...........look back on that last couple of days and see what God has chosen to give you mercy and grace on and then just Thank Him!
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