The Truth of it All.

The truth of it all is that depression hits about 10% of Americans or 19million people in a given year.
Depression is not a constant thing for a lot of people. Some people may have it only once in their lives and other may have it many times in their lives.
People who are clinically depressed can not "just snap out of it" and if they do not get help they may be like this for many months at one time.
Why am I telling this through a blog???
Because I am one of those Americans and I have been in a depression for about 2 1/2 months.
I am told God can help me "just snap out of it" but I sometimes want to know when He is going to help me get through this??
Today my daughter went home after staying the night with me(for those people who do not know the situation is that my daughter lives with my mother)and it hurt. It took everything in my power not to break down at the church after she left. But we got home and everyone was exhausted from the party they wanted to take naps. So I decided that maybe I will go downstairs and try to get one to but as soon as I hit my room I lost it.
I have drawing, paintings, letters and pictures of hers all around my room.
I just can't get her little face of the tears she was crying out of my head.
She kept saying that she didn't want to leave but I really have no say in the matter.
Sometimes I just wish she was old enough to understand.
I stood there and watched the car pull away and then my daughters little head poking up and waving bye to me.
I laid there just thinking about everything and I even screamed at God for the pain.......I told Him that burning in hell for all eternity would be less painful then this pain of causing my daughter such pain.
I just wanted to take my daughter and run or go out and get drunk to get rid of the pain for a little bit.
I wanted a drink and I could not believe how bad I was wanting one. I cried and cired and screamed some more at God saying "why do you kick me so hard when I am already down??!!!!!" I almost pick up the phone and called an old friend of mine.
I cried for quite some time before I saw a book I had got at Chopin Hall called
"GOD'S PROMISE FOR YOUR EVERY NEED" and I picked it up and looked at a page and saw this
"What to do when you don't understand God's ways" and this is what I read
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempt beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 CoRiNtHiAnS 10:13
As the tears started to drip on the page I looked down a couple more verses and read this
" 'Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' "
IsAiAh 41:10
I shut the book and thought about the verses for a little while. My tears had stopped and I was seeing a little more clear.
Maybe I should be thankful that I CAN see her and I can be part of her life.
But I lose sight of that a lot because I see all these other people with their family and I get so jealous because all I want is my daughter. I think why do all these people get to have a family and I am stuck with just me here in Findlay???
God when are you going to let me have someone to call as my family??
IT IS GOD'S TIMING NOT MINE.
Even though it hurts God's will always stand there right beside me.
Even though it feels like anything would be less painful God will never give me anything I could not bear
And even though I am away for my daughter she knows that I am always there.

Dear LORD Jesus give me the strength to keep walking in Your path, please help my daughter get understanding of why mommy is not living with her and heal her heart let her know that You are always there for her and I pray that she keeps asking questions about You for more understanding. In Jesus name

AMEN

Jesus

Sometimes I miss my passed life!

Don;t get me wrong I love where I am at I live in a nice home with nice people. I have clean clothes and a warm place to sleep. I have more than enough food to eat and Polar Pops like crazy!!! Where I live is very clean and people actually help clean. The van I ride in and sometimes drive is a very sweet ride compared to what I was riding in and driving!

When I go into town for some reason I feel at home......That is because that is what I was so use too!!

When I hit the bars I feel at home......That is because that is wear I feel welcomed!

But why....because that is how I lived for almost two years!

I felt like I was loved at bars because guys paid attention to me.

This is where I found comfort and I am afraid sometimes to leave it. I am afraid sometimes of what my old friends would say about the change in me.

But then this verse comes to mind.....(Palms 27:1)

"The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom should I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom should I be afraid?"

Yes I agree the LORD is AWESOME

Giving up drinking has been a challenge. I have always fallen back on drinking when things get rough. As you have probably figured I am a recovering alcoholic. But lately that is NOT what I have been falling back on anymore!

But when I read my Bible and I read:

"Then Pilate took Jesus and had him Flogged. The soldiers also twisted together a crown of thorns, put it on His head, and threw a purple rob around Him. And they repeatedly came up to Him and said "Hail, King of Jews!" and were slapping His face." (John 19:1-3)

"When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said "it is finished!" Then bowing His head, He gave up His Spirit." (John 19:30)

Wow Jesus really had a rough time and reading John 19:30 even brought a tear to my eye!!! Jesus gave Himself know what would happen! This is what love is!!! But I continue to read and the further I get the more I see here is what comes after He was beaten and nailed:

"When they came to Jesus, they did not break His legs since they saw that He was already dead. But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and at once blood and water came out." (John 19:33-34)

Wow even when they thought He was dead they still had to attack Him!

So now I look at things and think

If God had His own son go through all that to save me from my sins, I think I can sacrifice my little drinking problem!

So before you think you can't sacrifice something look and see what God gave for your sins....JESUS!!!!!!

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMEN AMEN