She asked me if I remember he time when the lady in the red dress came on the tv and would leave?
I looked at her in amazment
and replied yeah
a woman who couldnt remember me(her grandchild)who she knew for 22 years
but she could remember the woman in a red dress on her tv.
it ran through my mind for a minute before i asked her how she remember that.
she said to me "that day changed me somehow."
See the day she saw this woman was the day she started going down hill.
Never really told people about it
never really thought it ment something to anybody but me.
but now I find it neccissary to share with you
do you remember the day that started you on your change?
back when i lost a best friend i was 9 years old
Melissa was her name and she passed away in 1996.
i didnt understand at that time why i couldnt play with her anymore
but i started to notice how my mind just wanted away out of this world
i just lost my only friend so what do i do now
and atbthat time i put myself on different planets thinking thats where Melissa was at.
but coming back to reality she was gone and never to come back.
then things in my life started to jusst fall apart
grandfather passed away, got into many fights, hated everyone, started cutting, drinking,drug and Big Alfie.
then i got pregnant at the age fourteen
and when i was fifteen i gave birth to my beautiful daughter.
things started changing i gave up drinking and drugs, i quit getting into fight and Big Alfie was staying away.
Then came the hardest day of my life the day i left all i knew and left my daughter and came to findlay for a better life.
That didnt happen at first
drug and drinking and popping pills was where i was at.
I got help and things started to slowly change but
now i find my self scraping out my bowl for resin to smoke.
pretty patetic!
after my grandmother passed away
i realize that maybe she was not met to live forever.
I sit here day after day greeving over her death
she told me once
life is like stitching, you got to want to do it to be great at it.
i guess your right grandma.
I am having a hard time with friend right now
keeping them.
i need to put it out there that im sorry
i know i never really got it right and i never stop to think about you.
im sorry for the way i am.
maybe some day you will be able to see me stand on my own two feet again.
never met to be so cold.
i never really wanted you too see
the screwed up side of me that i keep
locked inside of me so deep
(you all know who you are)
maybe if i wasnt so cold and hollow maybe somebody might just miss me.
right now i quit going to church and bible group and my appts.
i guess all i can do is open the bible and just read.
Grandma did serve a purpose in my life.......
no matter how much she hurt she had a smile on and ready to face it with Gods help.
that what i have to do.......i wish my grandma could be here to see me graduate from school but she wont but im going to do something better for her
im going to dedicate a flower to her
i call it a Mary flower and it nothing but paper and a little of this and that.
it reminds me everyday day what she went through and how she was still strong even when she decided to quit fighting and took her last breath. it couldnt have been easy to just let go and to just see what happeneds from there.
i can fight this thing called depression and i can be happy.
Grandmother its time I start getting on with my life and not alway thinking anout how much i miss you. I love so much i cant possably tell you how much i do. i hope this is what you want but tomorrow i have to take that picture down for a little bit.....i hope you dont mind. I will need you too quit coming to my dreams for a little while......im sorry but its killing me knowing that i can touch you again and then wake up and slap right in the face....your really gone. i need to work on my relationship here with my real family who i have set a side and blocked them out.......im going to lose them forever and im not ready to let completely go of her. I have been carrying the heart(your always with me everywhere, hope you know who you are)
