With a bridge there is a way.

So here I am sitting at Mamma's house on her computer while her and Katya are watching a movie. I am thinking about the next few days and what is about to come...I shall explain......

I need to be out of my parents by the first of next month and I have a bus ticket too Lakeland FL. But now there is nowhere too go in FL. I would like to stay here but see with my drinking days I burned a lot of bridges.....funny that I mention bridge because right now that is where I am going to be calling home again shortly. If not here in Findlay then In Lakeland.  The scariness of it is so real right now.  I know I can do it but the fact is I don't want to go back to the bridge. I love Findlay but if I am going to be homeless once again why not change sites??? My life has seem to go nowhere but hopefully it will one of these days.  But I am also afraid that being homeless again will cause me to drink again! My drunken days made me burn all those bridges. So now comes the question what to do?

Since the loss of the twin I have had time to sit back and really take a look at life and where it should be. It should be where ever I am happy but can also make a living. Could I ever make a living??? Yeah I could I just need a little help on getting there. Is there anybody that can help?? Yeah I got my family here in Findlay...what was that.....stay with my family??? Well that is a story not to get into but in all put together their really not blood family so they really have no obligation to even care what happeneds to me.

Any advice??? 

Love of the Day.

Ok so I have had anteresting week. Let me share my last couple of days with you.

Wednesday was a day I had to keep my daughter home from school due to medical reason. I was cramping a little bit but nothing worse then what I felt everyday. I woke up that day pretty early to get Katya and I around to go to the places we needed to get too that was out of town. We took off and went driving. On the way my stomach felt as if I was turning like I had butterflies in it. I really didnt think anything of it so I just waved it off and drove. When we got to the doctors office I felt as if I was going to throw up so I stepped into the bathroom and knelt down and started throwing up. I thought to myself "I hate being pregnant."

So we got back home and it wasnt til about 5pm when my mother got home. She took a couple of breaths before she decided to throw an insult for the day. For some reason that day I just couldnt take it and started to scream at her as loud as I could. Katya was sitting on the couch and I startled her when I did yell. The thing is is that I don't really yell loud so when I do she knows I am mad. My mother and I than got into a screaming war. Out the side of my eye I saw Katya excaping the loudness underneath the table in the dinningroom. I felt so helpless by this time. I couldnt keep things undercontrol like I use to be able too. I couldn't breath so I grabbed my chest and gaps for air. My head started to spin I could feel my body getting weak as I collaped from the lack of energy. I blacked out and came to realize that I had a seizure as my head throbbed from the constant pounding on the tile. I got up and Katya was at my side cry not only because of the yelling but because she does not know yet what a seizure really is. She asked me if I was going to live........I looked at her and realized that she was being serious. I gave her a hug and told her that I was. We both got up and I started to feel sick again. I layed down on the couch too see if that would help things. But then I felt this odd warmth that came over my entire body! I started to sweat real bad even though I was cold. My back started to hurt and I felt a weird pressure in my stomach. I tried to wait it out to see if it would just go away. But the pain became so intense when I did decide to go I could bearly walk out of the house. To make things worse I had to drive myself. I made it there and literally crawled into the doors of the emergency room. The nurses came rushing to my side and got me into a wheelchair. The pain over came my body that all I could think.....Am I going to live?.......They needed me to take my clothes off so they could do their test but I couldnt do it...all I wanted to do was just lay there in a ball and hold my stomach. So one of the nurses helped me getting my clothes off but when it came to getting my pants off she stopped half way and ran for the doctor. I started too scream the pain became so intense and the doctor cam running in and saw what she was looking at and I still had no clue what she was looking at. The doctor told the nurses to get a sonogram of my stomach and to get my vitals and heart moniter on me asap. Next thing I know the nurse is asking the other nurse what should I do with the towel and she held it up and I saw all the blood on it and started to realize that the babies were in real danger. They had found no heart beats...........my babies where gone. I text Mommy and told her that I wish she was there with me. But she wasnt......I was by myself..Like always. I got home from the hospital a little after 1 in the morning and was very depressed. They had givin me a pill too help me sleep. I took the pill and went straight to sleep. I slept till about 2pm then Mommy called and asked me if I wanted to come home for a few days.

I agreed and waited for he to come and get me. When we got home I hugged Daddy and then went upstairs and slept some more. After Lifegroup was over Mamma came up and hugged me and layed next to me. We talked for a little bit then the other girls came in so I didnt want to talk to them about the pregnancy thing so I quit and Mamma and me went down stairs and talked a little. Then I went to bed again.

I woke up this morning with painful cramps but tolerable. So my days here already have been such a blessing.....I finally got a birthday presant....somethingI have not really ever gotten. My time with mamma. And I am loving every minute of it!

Hard Day

So yesterday was a pretty bad day for me! I was very depressed about a lot of this that make me sound selfish.....but I need answers soo bad! I am leaving Ohio soon and I have so many unanswered questions. I miss the past...I hate too say it but sometimes I wish I was back to when I was still drinking because back then when mommy and mamma came into my life I always had them to talk too. They were there to take the bad away and make me happy....happy a thing I have never really felt. I remember the first day I went to church at LP it was Sunday November 16,2008 and when I went in the church and sat down they played this song called Does anybody hear her? I started too cry I turned my head so Josh wouldn't know I was crying. But after church is when I met mamma.......It was a quick pass by I was about to leave and she just walked by and asked if I needed a ride home and I told her I didn't have a home then she said well I can take you anywhere you want to go.....but at that time I thought she was a little weird so I didnt go.....but this took only about 15 sec. Little did I know that this was a start of a great friendship.

I remember the first time I talked to mommy...I thought she was very weird!!!!! Jen introducted me to her when I didn't want her too! But I got to know mommy and even though she gets on my nerves all the time she has been a blessing. She loves me for me and now what I have or have too offer...which is not much!

I never really knew exactly what love was supposta feel like between mother and daughter but mommy has shown me something different with love......she really didnt expect a whole lot from me! She never told me that I was worth nothing and she never insulted my parenting skills. She was just there for me! Just to listen.......not to put me down when I did do something stupid.

And daddy he is an amazing person. He is one that I will always be greatful for! God put him in my life for a reason. I know he can be weird sometimes....like the first time he tried to talk to me.....he made this weird joke and I was kinda stupid.....I just gave hime this kinda confused look thinking....why??? Lol! What a DORK!!!! But I love him a lot. He may ignore a lot of my textes and phone calls BUT I guess it is ok...Love ya DADDY!!!

For the most part I was adopted by this Family of great people....There is Daddy, Mommy, Julia, Emma, Joey and now Me!!! I am the oldest! YAY!

Emma wrote me this letter that asked when I was coming back home my REAL HOME....It brought a tear to my eye and I wish so much that I could move back but that is not the calling of the Lord right now. She also likes too steal my phone and not give it back!!!!
Julia likes too talk to me about private matters, I feel like a real sister to her when she feels so contrable talking to me and trusting in me to keep the secrets!
Joey loves to ask me everyday..."Aidey, why do you dress like a boy?"......He also like to attact..like when we are downstairs watching tv and he jumps on me and so I start too tickle then mommy will start yelling at me not to hurt him!
Boy I had a lot of fun times with the family!

Ok so the next time I met mamma was when daddy and mommy put me up in a place called the Roadway Inn and mommy and mamma come over too take me out but mommy feel hard on the ice so we stayed in and played cards but then we didnt because they wanted to watch tv...so they completely ingnored me as I was not interested in the show...lol! Gotta love them.

So in all yesterday was hard....I miss them. I always talk abou them and It may drive some people nutz but where would I be without these people???

My birthday is coming up on the 18th of May and I have never really gotten anything for my birthday but like socks. I never really ask for anything on my birthday because I don't expect it but this year....for my birthday....all I want is......Time to hang with mamma...thats it...nothing else! This year I have asked for something on my birthday do you think I will get it? My hopes are not high. This way I don't get too depressed.......I never get too see the family that I once had seen everyday! Now back too topic.....Does it make me a bad person for wanting to go back???

Losing the Walk.

I have been walking down a long road of never ending pain. The pain is like walking over hot coals that never end! My life feels cut...like when you jump into a pond that is below freezing point, how the water feels like you have a thouand knives that are cutting into you!

I take step by step and try too walk in a straight path that people want me too but I keep curving. The curve is almost in a circle and change is all I need.

This depressing lifestyle I have is gettin old and even though I have changed since being saved(Jan 25, 2009) I feel like I am still the same!

My family is having a rough time right now and things around here are so messed up that I have not hold on them anymore. I can't fix the merrage between my parents and I cant fix my daughter's outlook on a mother and daughter relationship. I can't help fix my brothers drinking problem. I can't even help myself and my cutting and feeling of depressing. I pray and God to help but I feel like I get no where which makes me pray even harder but it is not getting me anywhere...which makes me ask why is God ignoring me? Did I do something that horrably bad that He don't want to help anymore?? This is too hard on any one person.

With the people that have help and called me their family I still question. I know I am not their blood family but it felt so real like it was. My head is circling and I don't know what to do. My love for them is soo much bigger than I feel for my own. Maybe it is time to cut it off and just lose both. Would that make things better? Why keep things half way when it is harder on a person??? Would you really ever consider a half family member(even if they are a half brother or sis, ext)??? Does that even really make sence??? Let me tell you that I feel half on both sides....My blood family treats me like I am nothing and they just help me so they can brag about how messed up I am....my real family well they treat me awesome but it was hard that one day when they told me that they both(mommy and mamma) were busy and asked me what am I going to do now that I didn't follow through on TC???? Where am I going to go??? I wanted to stay in Findlay but they didn't really want me to so the next day they took me back too the one place I hated the most! I know they didnt want me to stay with them but why didnt they want me to stay with others if they really wanted me to stay as they say????? If your family why would you want me too be so misrable???? I cry everyday and I am always asking myself....if I just ended it i wouldn't be this depressed why not just do it already?........I am so sick of cry and always missing them and thinking to myself are they ever going to come back for me???

I am losing this walk with God.